Insomnia

Having a hard time.
It's nice to blame it on PMS.
It's like a depression cop out.
Your life is really not so bad, its just a chemical imbalance...yay!
But the fact remains that the things that are bothering you are still very real, you are simply paying more attention to them.
I am upset that I am not trusting enough.
I am hurt by things that I shouldn't have read.
I feel guilty that I read them.
I am angry at possibly being lied to.
I am frustrated that I am jealous.
I miss how things used to be.
I hate change.
I hate that my life will inevitably be constant change for the next two years.
I miss Natalie. Fuck code names.
I miss not feeling lonely.
I miss being single.
I miss not needing anything in my life except my family.


The sms said "Angel, it looks like I let a real prize slip away." The old me would have vowed to be okay with my boyfriend staying friends with his exes. But how can I when he goes and writes things like that to them? Was it a mistake? Did he not mean to insinuate that he wishes he was still with her? Yes, it wouldn't have hurt me if I hadn't read it (and snooped in his phone to read it...bad), but I maintain that it still would have damaged me indirectly. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. In any kind of friendship or relationship anything you knowingly do that would hurt the other person will affect things. Not in a bite-you-in-the-ass karma sort of way. You will know you have done it and you will act differently, they will know subconsciously and everything about that dynamic will push the two of you apart.

Argh. I am probably overreacting or under-reacting. The only thing for sure is that I am naive. Actually no. There is another sure thing....and that is that he knows I am naive and yet he did something that he knew would hurt and confuse me anyway.

I feel Lost like Michael Bublé. But to be honest, I like Ewan McGregor's voice better. They are near twins to my ears, but Mr Moulin Rouge wins every time.



I trusted more than I realized.







"Hate stirs up strife,
Love covers all sin."
-Proverbs