There were once five mixed up girls*....
Mulan had never been one who spent a lot of time talking or thinking about boys. Up until this year when everything fell into place. After a confusingly close friendship turned crush that dwindled when a certain party decided to opt for a girl three years younger than himself, another close friend (closer in proximity than in intimacy) presented himself. He was sensitive and sweet, not pushy at all, and a good kisser. The only question was whether Mulan reciprocated his feelings. And she couldn't tell herself. After countless hours of soul-searching she decided that she did "like like" him and she would consent to being his girlfriend. From there it was a bouquet of roses, a couple of dates, some making out and an "I love you" (on his part). But will this actually be happily ever after? Can there be equality in a relationship where one member initiated said relationship and popped the L-word super fast while the other member is just settling into the idea of being along for this type of ride?
Meanwhile, Ella was feeling quite the opposite. Instead of doubting her own feelings while being pursued, she doubted whether her Prince Charming had any feelings for her. Like Mulan, Ella's crush was a close friend which posed considerable problems. It was near impossible for her to tell whether his actions with regard to her were standard for a friendship of their kind or whether he was subtly venturing into straight-up flirtation. Also complicating the matter was the fact that Ella had it on good authority that a mutual friend of theirs was interested in her. Could this be preventing her crush from making a move? Was she obligated to give up pursuit of her crush so as to not hurt the feelings of the friend that liked her?
Belle was having similar problems with boys. She also had once liked--and if she was being honest, still did like--a friend of hers. However, the situation seemed much too precarious for action. Belle predicted that a happy ending was unlikely and she valued her friendship too much to risk ruining it with awkwardness, and so she analyzed much and did nothing. She was, however, slightly worried that her friend Aurora was interested in this same boy, which would inevitably spell disaster for all parties involved. At the same time, she became distracted by a boy that she worked with. While he didn't seem like her ideal type, he was easy to get along with and he never failed to make her laugh. Once again though, it was quite difficult to know whether he paid this much attention to all girls or whether Belle was special. Should Belle put effort into the pursuit of work boy and forget about her friendcrush who was much more "her type", should she do the opposite, or should she wait it out for someone (or no one) to come to her?
Aurora was at a different point in her life. She was quite satisfied with her lack of angsty-ness at the moment. After being in two serious relationships, she was enjoying the feeling of being "up for grabs". She was at peace with her most recent ex and had no strong feelings for anyone at the moment....but had definite interest in a number of boy-possibilities. It was exhilarating to sit back and wait to be approached by boys, and then have the opportunity to try them out for fun even if she wasn't initially interested in them. Aurora felt as if she had matured eons in the past couple years, and this pleased her greatly. What also pleased her was that she had stepped waaay out of her comfort zone and replied to a cute personal ad on Craigslist. Creepy, maybe, but the ad's author sounded witty and intelligent and had basically described HER in his ad. So Aurora had responded just for kicks. Now they regularly corresponded. Was Aurora ready for another relationship? Could she and Craigslist boy be mtb? Or was it time to relax and be single?
Ariel was another character entirely. Ella liked her quite a bit and thought her to be similar to herself. Belle was also ready to approve of Ariel, but was also somewhat threatened by Ariel's pizzazz and magnetism. However, the primary potential for conflict lay between Ella and Ariel who both liked the same boy (though he certainly had little or no knowledge of either girl's feelings). Ariel, having recently been made aware of Ella's interest in the same boy, worried that pursuit of said boy would result in girl-conflict that was to be avoided at all costs. Ariel was reasonable with regard to boys, and she and Ella were certainly not sorority sister types where "hands off mutual crushes" rules applied, but the ho's over bros mentality still ran deep and prevented her from serious strategizing. Should Ariel back off from her crush or risk her friendship with Ella to pursue him?
*Code names have been replaced with new code names for a double-blind dose of anonymity.
"Paul, what do you think five across is? The clue is "very close" and it is five letters long."
-Me
"Hmmm, what about "having sex at that exact moment"? Whoops, I guess that's too long....I can't work on this crossword anymore. It is just sitting there humiliating me."
-Paul, my late 50's waiter/lawyer homie
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wine and Basketball
That's how I spent tonight. It would have been superb except that the Huskies lost to Arizona. Yes, that would be the team with the guy who got his face stepped on last week. All I have to say is that I think Lute Olson was overrated, and I think U of A fans are in general freaking annoying.
Other than that little bit of excitement, everything is droll. I am thoroughly unsatisfied with the everyday experience of living because I don't have anything to look forward to except the end of the workday. And all that happens then is that I get to go home and eat real food and watch The OC. And as much as Adam Brody lights up my day, its just not cutting it.
On the upside, I absolutely love being depressed and then realizing that life is not really that bad, its just PMS. Then you can actually stop being depressed and help yourself to some chocolate and wine. I know I have mentioned that before, but it bears repeating because there are few other realizations in life that give me as much pleasure. Its like being awfully awfully sick. The kind where you actually would rather be unconscious or dead (possibly). And then when you start feeling better and returning to a neutral state, the lack of pain actually feels euphoric rather than just ordinary. Its all about perspective.
"If I were on one of these basketball teams I would be great at free throws. I would do 300 hundred a week to practice. You would see me walk to the line and just know that there are two points right there. None of this John Brockman stuff. I would be so good at my free throws. I would be like perfect. Every time."
-My mother
Other than that little bit of excitement, everything is droll. I am thoroughly unsatisfied with the everyday experience of living because I don't have anything to look forward to except the end of the workday. And all that happens then is that I get to go home and eat real food and watch The OC. And as much as Adam Brody lights up my day, its just not cutting it.
On the upside, I absolutely love being depressed and then realizing that life is not really that bad, its just PMS. Then you can actually stop being depressed and help yourself to some chocolate and wine. I know I have mentioned that before, but it bears repeating because there are few other realizations in life that give me as much pleasure. Its like being awfully awfully sick. The kind where you actually would rather be unconscious or dead (possibly). And then when you start feeling better and returning to a neutral state, the lack of pain actually feels euphoric rather than just ordinary. Its all about perspective.
"If I were on one of these basketball teams I would be great at free throws. I would do 300 hundred a week to practice. You would see me walk to the line and just know that there are two points right there. None of this John Brockman stuff. I would be so good at my free throws. I would be like perfect. Every time."
-My mother
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Nanny Diary
This is the most tiring job I have ever had. I always enjoyed babysitting when I was younger, but I had never known what it was like to keep a 4 year-old and a two year-old entertained for nine hours a day. Thats not to say that I don't enjoy any of it. There are definitely moments that make me happy. When the younger one rests his little forehead against mine, or when the older one counted to ten correctly on his own for the first time. But that doesn't erase the mental exhaustion that overcomes me after an entire day of imaginary play with Tigers and ghosts and cars.
Things they say:
"Daddy-o."
-According to those two, that is their father's official name.
"Aah-scream"
-That would be ice cream.
"Your head is not as big as our old babysitter's."
-Flattery or insult?
"Why are you so nice?"
-Hmph. So even toddlers think I am overly congenial. And I don't even let them watch tv.
"Stink-a-boo."
-Code for peek-a-boo."
"Uh-uh."
-Probably. People look at me so oddly when I ask the little guy if he wants a snack and then give it to him after he says "uh-uh".
"You should cut your hair."
-Perceptive buggers.
Jimmy Carter was super fly on The Daily Show last night.
Things they say:
"Daddy-o."
-According to those two, that is their father's official name.
"Aah-scream"
-That would be ice cream.
"Your head is not as big as our old babysitter's."
-Flattery or insult?
"Why are you so nice?"
-Hmph. So even toddlers think I am overly congenial. And I don't even let them watch tv.
"Stink-a-boo."
-Code for peek-a-boo."
"Uh-uh."
-Probably. People look at me so oddly when I ask the little guy if he wants a snack and then give it to him after he says "uh-uh".
"You should cut your hair."
-Perceptive buggers.
Jimmy Carter was super fly on The Daily Show last night.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Inauguration
It was amazing. Cold, but people were packed so close that the iciness couldn't really seep in.
It took us over three hours to walk from Union Station to the Washington Monument because the streets were literally more crowded than a mosh pit. But when we did get there it was craziness. People screamed and cheered as soon as they saw anyone remotely favored. Colin Powell, the Clintons, Jimmy Carter, the Bidens and, of course, the Obamas. Bush got looooud boo's and then everyone saying "Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na hey hey hey goodbye." And then again as Bush's helicopter flew him safely away from the Whitehouse. It was like the scene at the end of Dick, only we were all wearing four pairs of pants instead of cute flag bikinis and flares.
And then there was a loooong poem and a rhyming prayer. John Stewart was not exaggerating in the least when he said that the one-two combination of those cleared the mall in about 60 seconds.
"To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it."
-President Obama
It took us over three hours to walk from Union Station to the Washington Monument because the streets were literally more crowded than a mosh pit. But when we did get there it was craziness. People screamed and cheered as soon as they saw anyone remotely favored. Colin Powell, the Clintons, Jimmy Carter, the Bidens and, of course, the Obamas. Bush got looooud boo's and then everyone saying "Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na hey hey hey goodbye." And then again as Bush's helicopter flew him safely away from the Whitehouse. It was like the scene at the end of Dick, only we were all wearing four pairs of pants instead of cute flag bikinis and flares.
And then there was a loooong poem and a rhyming prayer. John Stewart was not exaggerating in the least when he said that the one-two combination of those cleared the mall in about 60 seconds.
"To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it."
-President Obama
Monday, January 19, 2009
Favorite Song Lines
"The snow is falling down,
on our New England town."
-Fountains of Wayne
"You'll be doing society a favor.
That sonofabitch is brave and getting braver."
-Bob Dylan
"Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona
Such a fine sight to see
It's a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford slowing down to take a look at me."
...
"We may lose and we may win,
but we will never be here again."
-The Eagles
"Do you wanna know,
If everything glittering will turn into the gold,
I see in your hair."
-Peter Sallet
"I put quarter water and sold it in bottles for 2 bucks,
And Coca-Cola came and bought it for billions. What the fuck?"
-50
"There's a man with a gun over there,
tellin me I got to beware.
I think its time we stop, children, what's that sound?
Everybody look whats going down."
-Buffalo Springfield
"Back through the system with the riff raff again
Fiends on the floor scratchin again
Paparatzi's with they cameras snappin them
D.A. tried to give the nigga shaft again
Half-a-mil for bail cause I'm African"
-Jay Z
"Her hair is Harlowe gold
Her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes."
-Various artists including Blondie
"Now Muriel plays piano
Every Friday at the Hollywood
And they brought me down to see her
And they asked me if I would,
Do a little number
And I sang with all my might
And she said "Tell me are you a Christian, child?"
And I said "Ma'am I am tonight"."
-Marc Cohn
on our New England town."
-Fountains of Wayne
"You'll be doing society a favor.
That sonofabitch is brave and getting braver."
-Bob Dylan
"Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona
Such a fine sight to see
It's a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford slowing down to take a look at me."
...
"We may lose and we may win,
but we will never be here again."
-The Eagles
"Do you wanna know,
If everything glittering will turn into the gold,
I see in your hair."
-Peter Sallet
"I put quarter water and sold it in bottles for 2 bucks,
And Coca-Cola came and bought it for billions. What the fuck?"
-50
"There's a man with a gun over there,
tellin me I got to beware.
I think its time we stop, children, what's that sound?
Everybody look whats going down."
-Buffalo Springfield
"Back through the system with the riff raff again
Fiends on the floor scratchin again
Paparatzi's with they cameras snappin them
D.A. tried to give the nigga shaft again
Half-a-mil for bail cause I'm African"
-Jay Z
"Her hair is Harlowe gold
Her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes."
-Various artists including Blondie
"Now Muriel plays piano
Every Friday at the Hollywood
And they brought me down to see her
And they asked me if I would,
Do a little number
And I sang with all my might
And she said "Tell me are you a Christian, child?"
And I said "Ma'am I am tonight"."
-Marc Cohn
T minus 13 hours
I love it when the snow floats up. I mean, I love snow period. But the tiny flakes that are so light that they circle upwards in seemingly no wind are my favorite.
What I don't love is how freaking cold I am going to be tomorrow. Luckily, I will have toe warmers.
What I don't love is how freaking cold I am going to be tomorrow. Luckily, I will have toe warmers.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Programmed
I am fairly positive that I have been overly empathetic from day 1. And I think that this may be one of my biggest issues. I can remember myself at the age of four doing a rotating sleep arrangement with my many stuffed animals so that they could each have a prime spot on the bed eventually and none of them would have reason to feel left out. Perhaps attributing feelings to inanimate objects suggests bigger problems than an over developed sense of empathy, I don't know.
And one of my most traumatic memories is of me getting lice. I had to stay home for days while my hair was yanked and doused in chemicals, and worst of all, all my stuffed animals were bagged up. My parents said that I could get them back in a year. I thought that the world was ending.
In any case, I think this whole people thinking I am some kind of innocent porcelain doll who is polite to the point of un-funness stems from me being too invested in other people's emotions. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or offend them at all or mess up and have them judge me. And so I am boring. And when someone offends me, I over analyze it to the point where I end up feeling sorry for them and can't get up the nerve to risk hurting their feelings by taking revenge...or even addressing the issue.
And then on the flip side, I sometimes get so fed up with being a wimp and being so constantly overlooked because I am generally nice that I will lash out. I will absolutely blindside someone who is expecting me to act neutrally, and then they end up thinking that I am a bitch.
Basically, I can't win.
Saw Frost/Nixon. It was good I thought, but both mi madre and mi hermanita fell asleep. I could never ever fall asleep in a movie. Maybe at home, but not in the theater. I like living vicariously too much to zone out.
And one of my most traumatic memories is of me getting lice. I had to stay home for days while my hair was yanked and doused in chemicals, and worst of all, all my stuffed animals were bagged up. My parents said that I could get them back in a year. I thought that the world was ending.
In any case, I think this whole people thinking I am some kind of innocent porcelain doll who is polite to the point of un-funness stems from me being too invested in other people's emotions. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or offend them at all or mess up and have them judge me. And so I am boring. And when someone offends me, I over analyze it to the point where I end up feeling sorry for them and can't get up the nerve to risk hurting their feelings by taking revenge...or even addressing the issue.
And then on the flip side, I sometimes get so fed up with being a wimp and being so constantly overlooked because I am generally nice that I will lash out. I will absolutely blindside someone who is expecting me to act neutrally, and then they end up thinking that I am a bitch.
Basically, I can't win.
Saw Frost/Nixon. It was good I thought, but both mi madre and mi hermanita fell asleep. I could never ever fall asleep in a movie. Maybe at home, but not in the theater. I like living vicariously too much to zone out.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Good Luck Night
A zombie movie that I hadn't seen yet was on tv. I absolutely adore zombie movies. Any and all. Preferably not the ones that are too cheesy and that sacrifice plot for pure gore. I like the Resident Evil movies because they have well-developed plots since they are part of a long series. Also, there is an element of fighting the man in it. On the other hand, in the Resident Evil movies they almost have the zombie-killing down to a science which makes it less riveting. I am more interested in watching normal people have their everyday lives turned upside down by a zombie invasion/infection than watching a superhero-type chick fight off zombie-monster clones with her crazy ninja skills.
The movie I watched tonight was called Diary of the Dead, and it was okay. It was a little too Blair Witch in some ways (teens who get in petty fights while they simultaneously film the fear-filled journey to their deaths). But I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time, so clearly something about it was good. I wish that their were more zombie movies set in cities though. Its always in a small town or something like that. I want to see the city version...like Cloverfield except with zombies and without people filming themselves BW style which is freaking annoying. And also without the lame, cop-out closure-less ending that Cloverfield had.
Also lovely was that I talked to Josh tonight. Even just talking to him is more fun than fully hanging out with most other people. He makes everything exciting. Except its a little bit frustrating because I have wanted to be a main part of his life for so so long. And then I finally was. I finally got to be on the inside and I got to have the right to his attention and to know what he was doing and thinking and feeling. And now, I'm not. I'm back on the outside looking in. And I can still ask him about his life and everything. But I am completely at his mercy. If he wants to shut me out or not tell me anything or go have crazy sex with people I hate there is nothing at all that I can do about it. And furthermore, if that happened I wouldn't even have the right to be upset about it in the least. Because I am on the outside.
Not that he is actually doing any of those things. Its just that my head is a worst-scenario kind of place.
Anyway, the point is not that I am paranoid and jealous. The point is that I like that I can still be somewhat involved in his life. And I like that he still cares, and that he likes it when I call, and that when I'm talking to him I don't feel like we are strangers or anything terrifying like that. It feels like everything is going to be okay.
And it is.
The movie I watched tonight was called Diary of the Dead, and it was okay. It was a little too Blair Witch in some ways (teens who get in petty fights while they simultaneously film the fear-filled journey to their deaths). But I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time, so clearly something about it was good. I wish that their were more zombie movies set in cities though. Its always in a small town or something like that. I want to see the city version...like Cloverfield except with zombies and without people filming themselves BW style which is freaking annoying. And also without the lame, cop-out closure-less ending that Cloverfield had.
Also lovely was that I talked to Josh tonight. Even just talking to him is more fun than fully hanging out with most other people. He makes everything exciting. Except its a little bit frustrating because I have wanted to be a main part of his life for so so long. And then I finally was. I finally got to be on the inside and I got to have the right to his attention and to know what he was doing and thinking and feeling. And now, I'm not. I'm back on the outside looking in. And I can still ask him about his life and everything. But I am completely at his mercy. If he wants to shut me out or not tell me anything or go have crazy sex with people I hate there is nothing at all that I can do about it. And furthermore, if that happened I wouldn't even have the right to be upset about it in the least. Because I am on the outside.
Not that he is actually doing any of those things. Its just that my head is a worst-scenario kind of place.
Anyway, the point is not that I am paranoid and jealous. The point is that I like that I can still be somewhat involved in his life. And I like that he still cares, and that he likes it when I call, and that when I'm talking to him I don't feel like we are strangers or anything terrifying like that. It feels like everything is going to be okay.
And it is.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Why Me?
Good news: my thumb is de-bumpifying.
Bad news: I sliced off the fingerprint of my middle finger. It happened when I slid my finger under the envelope of a law school app and got the paper cut of the century.
I am pretty sure that life is not nearly so hard for other people.
Bad news: I sliced off the fingerprint of my middle finger. It happened when I slid my finger under the envelope of a law school app and got the paper cut of the century.
I am pretty sure that life is not nearly so hard for other people.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I don't feel good
Watching Catch and Release. Horrible idea.
One thing I like about the movie is that it doesn't simplify things. The woman's fiance is dead and as much as she would like to remember him fondly in peace, she has to deal with the reality of things. She has to come to terms with the fact that he cheated on her, which makes her angry and jealous and insecure.
It's easy to romanticize death, but I think that it mostly isn't like that at all.
What it is like is lonely. And its a lonely that doesn't go away. From what I can tell it lasts the rest of your life.
There is a boy at my church whose best friend has a brain tumor. I've always really liked this boy. He is quiet and shy and likes Trivial Pursuit. He is also totally nerdy. I don't think he has a ton of friends. I guess now his friend has leukemia in addition to the tumor and it looks like he is going to die. I feel so awful for both of them. That shouldn't happen to people. Its not fair. And it kills me to see it happening to someone else.
I'm so so upset. It doesn't make sense. I don't understand how the universe decides to hurt people so badly. Not all people, just some. These kids are so young and they don't deserve to have this happen to them. They're innocent and haven't experienced a whole lot of life yet. But it doesn't matter. Because one of them will likely die, and the other will be alone the rest of his life wondering why and feeling empty.
And it will be worse since he is a boy. People will look at him funny if he randomly cries at movies that remind him of his friend. And nobody will know what to say to him about it.
Sometimes living just makes me want to die.
One thing I like about the movie is that it doesn't simplify things. The woman's fiance is dead and as much as she would like to remember him fondly in peace, she has to deal with the reality of things. She has to come to terms with the fact that he cheated on her, which makes her angry and jealous and insecure.
It's easy to romanticize death, but I think that it mostly isn't like that at all.
What it is like is lonely. And its a lonely that doesn't go away. From what I can tell it lasts the rest of your life.
There is a boy at my church whose best friend has a brain tumor. I've always really liked this boy. He is quiet and shy and likes Trivial Pursuit. He is also totally nerdy. I don't think he has a ton of friends. I guess now his friend has leukemia in addition to the tumor and it looks like he is going to die. I feel so awful for both of them. That shouldn't happen to people. Its not fair. And it kills me to see it happening to someone else.
I'm so so upset. It doesn't make sense. I don't understand how the universe decides to hurt people so badly. Not all people, just some. These kids are so young and they don't deserve to have this happen to them. They're innocent and haven't experienced a whole lot of life yet. But it doesn't matter. Because one of them will likely die, and the other will be alone the rest of his life wondering why and feeling empty.
And it will be worse since he is a boy. People will look at him funny if he randomly cries at movies that remind him of his friend. And nobody will know what to say to him about it.
Sometimes living just makes me want to die.
Monday, January 12, 2009
On Grease
I would like to note a couple of things about this classic movie.
1. It is very close to my heart since it is about a girl who everyone considers a prude, who may in fact be a prude in comparison to everyone else, who gets her dream guy.
2. There is lots of goofy dancing done with incredible gusto and also lots of high ponytails.
3. Many have criticized the movie's apparent chauvinist tone since Sandy "wins" in the end only after she completely changes herself from the sweet innocent Sandra Dee to the smokin' hot sex pistol in black leather/spandex...basically the female equivalent of Danny (hello...John Travolta). BUT, what is forgotten in these criticisms is that Danny and Sandy BOTH change themselves to win over eachother. Danny shows up to meet Sandy wearing a letterman's jacket instead of his usual greased up leather and tells his friends that he cares about them, but he cares about Sandy more so he is going to become a jock so that she will take him back. The point is NOT that Sandy had to change herself in order to produce the fairytale ending, the point is that they were meant to be and proof of that was them both being willing to change for the other.
4. I've never thought John Travolta was hot.
5. Summer Lovin' was one of my first favorite songs ever. Right behind Build Me Up, Buttercup and the listen to the rhythm of the pouring rain one.
1. It is very close to my heart since it is about a girl who everyone considers a prude, who may in fact be a prude in comparison to everyone else, who gets her dream guy.
2. There is lots of goofy dancing done with incredible gusto and also lots of high ponytails.
3. Many have criticized the movie's apparent chauvinist tone since Sandy "wins" in the end only after she completely changes herself from the sweet innocent Sandra Dee to the smokin' hot sex pistol in black leather/spandex...basically the female equivalent of Danny (hello...John Travolta). BUT, what is forgotten in these criticisms is that Danny and Sandy BOTH change themselves to win over eachother. Danny shows up to meet Sandy wearing a letterman's jacket instead of his usual greased up leather and tells his friends that he cares about them, but he cares about Sandy more so he is going to become a jock so that she will take him back. The point is NOT that Sandy had to change herself in order to produce the fairytale ending, the point is that they were meant to be and proof of that was them both being willing to change for the other.
4. I've never thought John Travolta was hot.
5. Summer Lovin' was one of my first favorite songs ever. Right behind Build Me Up, Buttercup and the listen to the rhythm of the pouring rain one.
Impending Disaster
I have an illness on my thumb. It is yet to be determined whether or not it is lethal. I am preparing for the worst. It sounds very odd and gross, and knowing that it is me that this is happening to makes me want to cut off my finger. If I just knew what it was maybe I would calm down, but since I don't know it seems yucky and frightening.
A couple days ago I started noticing these bumps on my thumb. You can't really see them well. They are like minuscule little air bubbles under the skin. And when I text or do anything else that puts pressure on the pad of my right thumb, I can feel them and they hurt. Like little splinters or something. But it can't be splinters because there are 12 or more of them and I would have noticed getting 12 shards of anything stuck in my hand.
Yikes!
Last night I had a full on panic attack about this disastrous development. I looked on the internet and the closest thing I could find was something called dyshidrotic dermatitis. The pictures are all a bit more extreme than my case since mine is only on my thumb and you can't see it unless you look really really hard. But the websites I looked at says that the condition is one that some people develop in their 20's or 30's either randomly or because of weather, stress, or a medication/chemical. It can start on one fingertip and spread or it can remain localized. And it can go away and never return or show up once every couple weeks for the rest of your life.
Needless to say, I am scheduling an appointment with my Jewish dermatologist pronto. He is very very intelligent and I have complete faith that he will know what to do. Until then, I am staying off of Google, and utilizing my impressive skills of distraction to avoid obsessing about my possibly fatal future regarding my thumb.
A couple days ago I started noticing these bumps on my thumb. You can't really see them well. They are like minuscule little air bubbles under the skin. And when I text or do anything else that puts pressure on the pad of my right thumb, I can feel them and they hurt. Like little splinters or something. But it can't be splinters because there are 12 or more of them and I would have noticed getting 12 shards of anything stuck in my hand.
Yikes!
Last night I had a full on panic attack about this disastrous development. I looked on the internet and the closest thing I could find was something called dyshidrotic dermatitis. The pictures are all a bit more extreme than my case since mine is only on my thumb and you can't see it unless you look really really hard. But the websites I looked at says that the condition is one that some people develop in their 20's or 30's either randomly or because of weather, stress, or a medication/chemical. It can start on one fingertip and spread or it can remain localized. And it can go away and never return or show up once every couple weeks for the rest of your life.
Needless to say, I am scheduling an appointment with my Jewish dermatologist pronto. He is very very intelligent and I have complete faith that he will know what to do. Until then, I am staying off of Google, and utilizing my impressive skills of distraction to avoid obsessing about my possibly fatal future regarding my thumb.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Holy Shit
A heard of frat boys just stormed by my house. Not real frat boys...Loyola boys which is basically the same thing since Loyola is a giant Greek community. I think it was ranked best-looking student body in the nation. That would be slightly exciting except for the fact that the guys there don't seem to have gotten the memo that the gel-icious duckbill hair look is out. Gross. I would never date a Loyola guy. No offense to the ones that aren't cookie cutter playboys.
In other un-newsworthy news, Ted almost got fired today. I was elated at first because when I walked in Cain, this new guy who just came back from being in Lesotho in the Peace Corps, said that my least favorite person at the restaurant was no longer employed. Ted apparently skipped his shift without notice this morning. My manager was like, "Gosh, Phoebe, what did you do to the guy?" I may or may not have told a few too many people how much I dislike Ted.
But much to my chagrin, Ted rolled in right in the middle of line-up. Everyone raised their eyebrows and casually looked busy as the manager went to ask him what happened this morning. There is a rule at the restaurant that if you skip a shift you are automatically fired, so we all held our breaths awaiting drama. Ted goes, "You know, Matt. I'm not going to lie to you. I overslept this morning."
Excuse me?! He overslept?? How can you miss your 9:30 shift by 7 hours because you overslept? He could have at least called when he did wake up. Or are we expected to believe that he woke up at 4 just in time for the second half of his double?
In any case, Matt seemed to except his apology and told him to not let it happen again. Some of the other waiters were mildly annoyed because people have gotten fired for shift-skipping in the past, so there appears to be a double standard if Ted gets to stay on. Whatever, though. I am convinced that this is the beginning of the end of his employment at the restaurant whether he knows it or not.
"Football is one sport that is better watched at home."
-Ted....what an odd thing to make a grand assertion about. Especially because I think that it is widely held that football is much more fun live with screaming crowds and face paint and cozy blankets and snacks. And if you don't like football and that is why you prefer to watch it at home away from all the football-ness, then why are you watching it anyway? Ted later admitted that he had "only ever seen one football game, like, in person". So his opinion on the matter is clearly very, like, informed.
In other un-newsworthy news, Ted almost got fired today. I was elated at first because when I walked in Cain, this new guy who just came back from being in Lesotho in the Peace Corps, said that my least favorite person at the restaurant was no longer employed. Ted apparently skipped his shift without notice this morning. My manager was like, "Gosh, Phoebe, what did you do to the guy?" I may or may not have told a few too many people how much I dislike Ted.
But much to my chagrin, Ted rolled in right in the middle of line-up. Everyone raised their eyebrows and casually looked busy as the manager went to ask him what happened this morning. There is a rule at the restaurant that if you skip a shift you are automatically fired, so we all held our breaths awaiting drama. Ted goes, "You know, Matt. I'm not going to lie to you. I overslept this morning."
Excuse me?! He overslept?? How can you miss your 9:30 shift by 7 hours because you overslept? He could have at least called when he did wake up. Or are we expected to believe that he woke up at 4 just in time for the second half of his double?
In any case, Matt seemed to except his apology and told him to not let it happen again. Some of the other waiters were mildly annoyed because people have gotten fired for shift-skipping in the past, so there appears to be a double standard if Ted gets to stay on. Whatever, though. I am convinced that this is the beginning of the end of his employment at the restaurant whether he knows it or not.
"Football is one sport that is better watched at home."
-Ted....what an odd thing to make a grand assertion about. Especially because I think that it is widely held that football is much more fun live with screaming crowds and face paint and cozy blankets and snacks. And if you don't like football and that is why you prefer to watch it at home away from all the football-ness, then why are you watching it anyway? Ted later admitted that he had "only ever seen one football game, like, in person". So his opinion on the matter is clearly very, like, informed.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Baltimoron In Chief
Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon was indicted on 12 counts today including theft and perjury. Apparently she stole gift cards people had donated to be given to children in need and gave them to her family members. Can you say heartless ho?
My father also has observed attempts at corruption filter down from her office to his. Though when she was indicted today he did make a feeble attempt to defend her saying that sometimes corrupt politicians do actually benefit their constituents through good work.
That being said, I think that it is a good thing that our Mayor seems to be heading in the direction of Blagojevich. She has always struck me as pretentious and unhelpful. She is good at filling potholes and sucking up fallen leaves in swanky neighborhoods, but while she has presided the Baltimore PD has remained out of fucking control. I also heard today that shortly after being elected Mayor she came to the restaurant with a squad of assholes and reeked havoc. She called the place racist because other tables got their food before her table (hello? other tables did not munch on plates full of appetizers). She also got someone to sleuth out the owner's home phone number so that she could ring him up and bitch him out about the manager's incompetence in front of the manager's face. To top it all off, while the manager was profusely apologizing, one of the women at the table barked "talk to the hand" like she was in Clueless or something equally hair-brained but much more enjoyable as fiction.
Plus, the guys in the kitchen seem to hate her. And as I've said before, I generally respect their opinions on all things Baltimore.
My father also has observed attempts at corruption filter down from her office to his. Though when she was indicted today he did make a feeble attempt to defend her saying that sometimes corrupt politicians do actually benefit their constituents through good work.
That being said, I think that it is a good thing that our Mayor seems to be heading in the direction of Blagojevich. She has always struck me as pretentious and unhelpful. She is good at filling potholes and sucking up fallen leaves in swanky neighborhoods, but while she has presided the Baltimore PD has remained out of fucking control. I also heard today that shortly after being elected Mayor she came to the restaurant with a squad of assholes and reeked havoc. She called the place racist because other tables got their food before her table (hello? other tables did not munch on plates full of appetizers). She also got someone to sleuth out the owner's home phone number so that she could ring him up and bitch him out about the manager's incompetence in front of the manager's face. To top it all off, while the manager was profusely apologizing, one of the women at the table barked "talk to the hand" like she was in Clueless or something equally hair-brained but much more enjoyable as fiction.
Plus, the guys in the kitchen seem to hate her. And as I've said before, I generally respect their opinions on all things Baltimore.
Things Of A Bygone Era
Gap Body scents....Dream was definitely their top seller...I think in lotion form. But there was also Heaven for the slight nonconformists, and Om had a short heydey in the older-than-middle school crowd. Mmmm. They were yummy.
Butterfly clips...Those were big like whoa. They broke so much though, and didn't hold hair well. I suppose they were mostly supposed to be ornamental.
American Girls...I have Kirstin, of course. And I never took her hair our of the gorgeous braid things because I was too enamored with the sleekness. Judging from the looks of other peoples' 10 year-old American Girl dolls' hair, I was better off leaving it. I really think that what American Girl doll you had slash wanted is quite telling too.
Mini Sephora perfumes...I gave and received those for so many birthdays. And the names were all in french so often it was a fairly normal scent like caramel or strawberry that just had an exotic sounding name. I still have some, but after years of keeping them in a cupboard they kind of all smell the same.
Beanie babies...Lines around the block for those. Enough said. I still have the "special" Princess Di one thanks to the other Stephen and his familia.
Gellie Rolls and Milky pens...Is that how they were spelled? Those pens resulted in countless hours of carefully crafted hand art, much to the displeasure of 6th grade teachers. But they would always stop working every now and then and girls would proceed to alternately shake the shit out of them and huff into them in order to make them write on skin again.
Bubble tea...Yes, its still a huge and enjoyable fad. I appreciated it more when it was a novelty though. The very very bestest flavor ever is the Pink Lady at WOW Bubble Tea on the Ave. Azns+enormo flatscreens+Christian choruses, anyone? Olive, KK and I used to laugh endlessly at that. And then we would go into the quad and spit the our leftover tapioca bubbles in the general direction of unfortunate strangers.
Dicks...Still a winner in my book.
J Crew flip flops...High school girl must-have. Plus very popular among preppy boys.
Bib overalls...All the rage among 5th grade girls. We were soooo rad.
Jellies...Also popularized by Gap. Gap kids, mainly. Recently has made it back into the mainstream now that all the 2nd graders that wore them are now in their twenties and having early adult life nostalgia crises.
Otis Spunkmeyer cookies...Again, I think my spelling has gone awry. And they qualify as a fad, more of a religion really. But most people I know haven't had them since middle school since that was the one place that they were readily available.
The Spice Girls...I always had to be Scary, which was ridiculously annoying. I do have an amazing studded camo miniskirt and a knack for putting my hair up into cone-shapes as a result though.
Fads are often annoying. But let's be honest, they are fucking fun more often than not. And very unifying...until you get to the my Abercrombie skank-top is better than your American Eagle graphic tee age.
Butterfly clips...Those were big like whoa. They broke so much though, and didn't hold hair well. I suppose they were mostly supposed to be ornamental.
American Girls...I have Kirstin, of course. And I never took her hair our of the gorgeous braid things because I was too enamored with the sleekness. Judging from the looks of other peoples' 10 year-old American Girl dolls' hair, I was better off leaving it. I really think that what American Girl doll you had slash wanted is quite telling too.
Mini Sephora perfumes...I gave and received those for so many birthdays. And the names were all in french so often it was a fairly normal scent like caramel or strawberry that just had an exotic sounding name. I still have some, but after years of keeping them in a cupboard they kind of all smell the same.
Beanie babies...Lines around the block for those. Enough said. I still have the "special" Princess Di one thanks to the other Stephen and his familia.
Gellie Rolls and Milky pens...Is that how they were spelled? Those pens resulted in countless hours of carefully crafted hand art, much to the displeasure of 6th grade teachers. But they would always stop working every now and then and girls would proceed to alternately shake the shit out of them and huff into them in order to make them write on skin again.
Bubble tea...Yes, its still a huge and enjoyable fad. I appreciated it more when it was a novelty though. The very very bestest flavor ever is the Pink Lady at WOW Bubble Tea on the Ave. Azns+enormo flatscreens+Christian choruses, anyone? Olive, KK and I used to laugh endlessly at that. And then we would go into the quad and spit the our leftover tapioca bubbles in the general direction of unfortunate strangers.
Dicks...Still a winner in my book.
J Crew flip flops...High school girl must-have. Plus very popular among preppy boys.
Bib overalls...All the rage among 5th grade girls. We were soooo rad.
Jellies...Also popularized by Gap. Gap kids, mainly. Recently has made it back into the mainstream now that all the 2nd graders that wore them are now in their twenties and having early adult life nostalgia crises.
Otis Spunkmeyer cookies...Again, I think my spelling has gone awry. And they qualify as a fad, more of a religion really. But most people I know haven't had them since middle school since that was the one place that they were readily available.
The Spice Girls...I always had to be Scary, which was ridiculously annoying. I do have an amazing studded camo miniskirt and a knack for putting my hair up into cone-shapes as a result though.
Fads are often annoying. But let's be honest, they are fucking fun more often than not. And very unifying...until you get to the my Abercrombie skank-top is better than your American Eagle graphic tee age.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Moonbounce anyone?
Restaurant work acquaints you with the craziest of people. There are the flamboyant head waiters who have a system of punishments for the busboys (hands in pocket=hug, cellphone out=booty slap), the anonymous staff people who leave their stashes in condiment cups around the restaurant...and then, there are the crazy customers.
I don't know if you remember the woman at the John McCain town hall meeting who helped seal the deal for Obama by asserting into her microphone that Barack "can't be trusted. He's, he's, he's....an Arab!" Well the woman who came in to the restaurant tonight looked remarkably similar...and turned out to be borderline certifiable as well.
First I came to take her drink order and she promptly responded with "what comes with beans in it?" I politely directed her to the Mexican entrees on the menu giving myself silent snaps for being on point. Then she wanted to know if I could convince the kitchen to make a veggie enchilada with the refried beans on the inside. I said I would do my best and prepared to move towards the kitchen but she stopped me as if to place another order. She then spent three entire minutes scouring the menu silently while I stood there. Did she want me to leave? Was I expected to wait? I compromised by staying there and nonchalantly staring at the ceiling. Finally she switched her order to a side of rice, a side of beans and a side of veggies....which at our restaurant comes to a whopping 12 bucks. I sighed in relief and scrambled away to the kitchen.
Next thing I know she follows me into the servers' station (um, boundary issues?) and changes her order back to the refried enchilada concoction. Whatever. I put it into the computer and bring her her tea.
But, after I head back to plead her case to the kitchen and succeed in getting an affirmative on the enchilada I glance out the window and see her racing down the street. Wtfuck? I go over to the table and her tea is sitting untouched. She has removed her bag but left a pair of what look like black space gloves. My manager tells me that maybe she forgot something in her car and is racing off to get it. Nope, next I see her zooming away down the street in her car.
I don't get it! If the prices were too high she could have left as soon as she saw the menu. If she didn't want the food she wouldn't have been so torn between her trio of sides and the enchilada.
Weird.
But even funnier than that was going into the kitchen only to see a foot sticking out of a metal cupboard on the floor. Reese, one of the cooks, crawled in there to hide (he pulled boxes in front of himself and everything) so that he could talk on the phone. I laughed until I got hiccups. And I still have them.
"You've got to get yourself together.
You got stuck in the moment and now you can't get out of it."
-U2
I don't know if you remember the woman at the John McCain town hall meeting who helped seal the deal for Obama by asserting into her microphone that Barack "can't be trusted. He's, he's, he's....an Arab!" Well the woman who came in to the restaurant tonight looked remarkably similar...and turned out to be borderline certifiable as well.
First I came to take her drink order and she promptly responded with "what comes with beans in it?" I politely directed her to the Mexican entrees on the menu giving myself silent snaps for being on point. Then she wanted to know if I could convince the kitchen to make a veggie enchilada with the refried beans on the inside. I said I would do my best and prepared to move towards the kitchen but she stopped me as if to place another order. She then spent three entire minutes scouring the menu silently while I stood there. Did she want me to leave? Was I expected to wait? I compromised by staying there and nonchalantly staring at the ceiling. Finally she switched her order to a side of rice, a side of beans and a side of veggies....which at our restaurant comes to a whopping 12 bucks. I sighed in relief and scrambled away to the kitchen.
Next thing I know she follows me into the servers' station (um, boundary issues?) and changes her order back to the refried enchilada concoction. Whatever. I put it into the computer and bring her her tea.
But, after I head back to plead her case to the kitchen and succeed in getting an affirmative on the enchilada I glance out the window and see her racing down the street. Wtfuck? I go over to the table and her tea is sitting untouched. She has removed her bag but left a pair of what look like black space gloves. My manager tells me that maybe she forgot something in her car and is racing off to get it. Nope, next I see her zooming away down the street in her car.
I don't get it! If the prices were too high she could have left as soon as she saw the menu. If she didn't want the food she wouldn't have been so torn between her trio of sides and the enchilada.
Weird.
But even funnier than that was going into the kitchen only to see a foot sticking out of a metal cupboard on the floor. Reese, one of the cooks, crawled in there to hide (he pulled boxes in front of himself and everything) so that he could talk on the phone. I laughed until I got hiccups. And I still have them.
"You've got to get yourself together.
You got stuck in the moment and now you can't get out of it."
-U2
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Get Busy
My mom was just sent an advertisement for a class for adults at a nearby school: How to write your own obituary. Ooh! Sign me up.
The morbid thing is that I would totally go for that. Not that class. But writing my own. If you care about the way you will be remembered, then why leave those memorable last words about you to someone else? They should hire me to advertise that class.
The kids were a hot mess today. Lots of fighting with and hitting each other. And lots of going over my head and getting their parents' approval for something that I said no to. A babysitter's worst nightmare is watching kids when the parents are still there. You are constantly being watched which is unsettling and your authority over the kids becomes minimal. I will be more pleased next time I watch the kids...I will be nannying and not babysitting because the parents won't be there to say yes to Nutella and putting together tents.
And I will be able to direct activities away from imaginary play (the 4 year-old ordering me to wake up and go to sleep and be eaten by a tiger, etc., etc) and to more interesting things like making play-do and frosting cookies and going to the Children's Museum.
I do have to remember, though, that the family really needs me and I am helping them out quite a lot now that their previous nanny quit unexpectedly during all the other chaos they are going through. Helping out is always a good thing. Plus I'm making bank.
Ooh! Chloe and I were talking about how Mitch used to randomly jet across the US to see her friends for brief periods of time when she lived with us. I think maybe I want to jet somewhere too. That would be excessive. But I can be excessive if I want to, right? Right.
"I love the get busy. It tones your abs, thighs and butt. Plus, you can do it in clubs!"
-We now have over 100 channels thanks to Direct TV...and we end up watching infomercials.
The morbid thing is that I would totally go for that. Not that class. But writing my own. If you care about the way you will be remembered, then why leave those memorable last words about you to someone else? They should hire me to advertise that class.
The kids were a hot mess today. Lots of fighting with and hitting each other. And lots of going over my head and getting their parents' approval for something that I said no to. A babysitter's worst nightmare is watching kids when the parents are still there. You are constantly being watched which is unsettling and your authority over the kids becomes minimal. I will be more pleased next time I watch the kids...I will be nannying and not babysitting because the parents won't be there to say yes to Nutella and putting together tents.
And I will be able to direct activities away from imaginary play (the 4 year-old ordering me to wake up and go to sleep and be eaten by a tiger, etc., etc) and to more interesting things like making play-do and frosting cookies and going to the Children's Museum.
I do have to remember, though, that the family really needs me and I am helping them out quite a lot now that their previous nanny quit unexpectedly during all the other chaos they are going through. Helping out is always a good thing. Plus I'm making bank.
Ooh! Chloe and I were talking about how Mitch used to randomly jet across the US to see her friends for brief periods of time when she lived with us. I think maybe I want to jet somewhere too. That would be excessive. But I can be excessive if I want to, right? Right.
"I love the get busy. It tones your abs, thighs and butt. Plus, you can do it in clubs!"
-We now have over 100 channels thanks to Direct TV...and we end up watching infomercials.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Mishmash
I am quite certain that if the institution of religion did not exist, a lot more people would be open to faith.
Even people who profess themselves to be opposed to believing in something that is by virtue unprovable. (And here I do mean unprovable, which is too often substituted with unknowable.)
Damn it. I feel like I am always on the defensive. I think that is because I always consent to arguing things on other people's terms. But that, like many have observed, is because people who disagree with faith can only argue within the field of reason. Which is fine for an argument about the affects of faith or the institution of religion. But in order to argue about faith you have to delve into a playing field that is not refereed by reason. Which is a place where people who profess themselves to be without faith generally cannot or will not go.
Do I think that I am smarter than people without faith? No. Do I think that I am more content? Perhaps. Do I think that I can understand their position on my faith and their reason for their lack thereof? Yes. Do I think that they can understand the basis for my faith, or the reasons for my confidence in my faith? Not entirely. Do I think that deep down they would like to be able to make faith compatible with their sense of reason and rationality? Definitely.
"So though we cannot know
If everything glittering
Will turn into the gold..."
-Peter Sallet, Heart of Mine
This was a perfect song choice for Olive's memorial service if I may say so myself. Keeping the Faith was on the other day, which reminded me of her...and of this song. But I can't remember what happens in the end, and whether she ends up with the pastor friend or the rabbi friend, or neither.
Today Israel bombed a UN school. Those fuckers are absolutely insane.
Aaaand, I got a package from Chloe today!!! Yay for things that are salty and sweet and silver and sparkly! I feel loved now. I will call her tonight and Emi tomorrow. I talked to Aaron last night. And then I will call Stephen maybe ummm Saturday. And then maybe other Stephen on Sunday night? See? Its like a virtual social life! The sad thing is that I actually was going to go out tonight and meet up with people, but I am too tired from my day with snotty (but cute) toddlers.
"I'm dead. Operate on me. And make it hurt!"
-The 4 year old
Even people who profess themselves to be opposed to believing in something that is by virtue unprovable. (And here I do mean unprovable, which is too often substituted with unknowable.)
Damn it. I feel like I am always on the defensive. I think that is because I always consent to arguing things on other people's terms. But that, like many have observed, is because people who disagree with faith can only argue within the field of reason. Which is fine for an argument about the affects of faith or the institution of religion. But in order to argue about faith you have to delve into a playing field that is not refereed by reason. Which is a place where people who profess themselves to be without faith generally cannot or will not go.
Do I think that I am smarter than people without faith? No. Do I think that I am more content? Perhaps. Do I think that I can understand their position on my faith and their reason for their lack thereof? Yes. Do I think that they can understand the basis for my faith, or the reasons for my confidence in my faith? Not entirely. Do I think that deep down they would like to be able to make faith compatible with their sense of reason and rationality? Definitely.
"So though we cannot know
If everything glittering
Will turn into the gold..."
-Peter Sallet, Heart of Mine
This was a perfect song choice for Olive's memorial service if I may say so myself. Keeping the Faith was on the other day, which reminded me of her...and of this song. But I can't remember what happens in the end, and whether she ends up with the pastor friend or the rabbi friend, or neither.
Today Israel bombed a UN school. Those fuckers are absolutely insane.
Aaaand, I got a package from Chloe today!!! Yay for things that are salty and sweet and silver and sparkly! I feel loved now. I will call her tonight and Emi tomorrow. I talked to Aaron last night. And then I will call Stephen maybe ummm Saturday. And then maybe other Stephen on Sunday night? See? Its like a virtual social life! The sad thing is that I actually was going to go out tonight and meet up with people, but I am too tired from my day with snotty (but cute) toddlers.
"I'm dead. Operate on me. And make it hurt!"
-The 4 year old
Cop Out
I didn't fight Ted.
Argh. And I was all prepared to at least have words with him today. Its just that there were only four waiters at work and so he had an opportunity to talk to all of us, and was doing so in quite a friendly manner. I just couldn't flip out at him while he was being so congenial.
I still am not impressed with him, mind you. The statements he makes expose a pompousness that is so unattractive that I will not sully the sex appeal of the term cocky by applying it to Ted.
Here is a faithful account of his misdeeds of today:
1) He said that Twilight was "one of the most horrible movies ever made." Get over yourself. Twilight is a movie made for teen girls or for people who have enjoyed the book series. It does not claim to be mindblowing or even understandable to people who do not fit into either of those categories. And even then, Twilight far surpassed other film adaptations of "kids books". The last few Harry Potter movies for instance have been legendary for the schizo plots and bad angsty teen acting. By contrast, Twilight was riveting and endearing.
Pshaw. Ted said that the only movies he's ever walked out of were Twilight and Starsky and Hutch. Whatever. I have seen much worse. I mean how can you sit through Anchorman (yes, I know its ragingly popular), which has about as much wit as a 20-second sex joke, and feel compelled to walk out of Starsky and Hutch, which is actually funny.
2) He has worked at the restaurant exactly one and a half weeks and today he tells me "oh yeah, we have been trying to get the music in the Loco dining room to match the music in the Alonso's dining room." We?!?! We who? Him and management? I am so sure. Furthermore that is the oddest statement because Loco plays Mexican music and Alonso's plays slightly passe pop...making them match would entail switching them altogether.
When I asked him about it he said, "you know, we've been trying to find the Alonso's station and start playing it in Loco." First of all, I am fairly positive that the manager/owner does NOT want Loco to be playing pop or it already would be. Second of all, if they did want to play the Alonso's station in Loco the managers could do so easily because they know what station they play in each restaurant and they can simply use the Loco music controller to tune the fuck into the same little numbers that are on the front of the Alonso's music controller.
Lunatic. At this point I am figuring out that half of what he says is a crock of bullshit. "We" my ass.
3)He spoke to me in a very condescending manner about how this is my first job in a restaurant and how he has worked in the industry for years. Good riddance. That should make it embarrassing that I get way more tips that he does. Probably because I am way cuter as a result of not having a chipped tooth!
On the other hand, he does drive a scooter.
I will let this go for now, I suppose. But if he stands in front of my face one more time, I will address that shit immediately.
"I like your hair. It's a little 80's, a little I don't care."
-Beizing
Argh. And I was all prepared to at least have words with him today. Its just that there were only four waiters at work and so he had an opportunity to talk to all of us, and was doing so in quite a friendly manner. I just couldn't flip out at him while he was being so congenial.
I still am not impressed with him, mind you. The statements he makes expose a pompousness that is so unattractive that I will not sully the sex appeal of the term cocky by applying it to Ted.
Here is a faithful account of his misdeeds of today:
1) He said that Twilight was "one of the most horrible movies ever made." Get over yourself. Twilight is a movie made for teen girls or for people who have enjoyed the book series. It does not claim to be mindblowing or even understandable to people who do not fit into either of those categories. And even then, Twilight far surpassed other film adaptations of "kids books". The last few Harry Potter movies for instance have been legendary for the schizo plots and bad angsty teen acting. By contrast, Twilight was riveting and endearing.
Pshaw. Ted said that the only movies he's ever walked out of were Twilight and Starsky and Hutch. Whatever. I have seen much worse. I mean how can you sit through Anchorman (yes, I know its ragingly popular), which has about as much wit as a 20-second sex joke, and feel compelled to walk out of Starsky and Hutch, which is actually funny.
2) He has worked at the restaurant exactly one and a half weeks and today he tells me "oh yeah, we have been trying to get the music in the Loco dining room to match the music in the Alonso's dining room." We?!?! We who? Him and management? I am so sure. Furthermore that is the oddest statement because Loco plays Mexican music and Alonso's plays slightly passe pop...making them match would entail switching them altogether.
When I asked him about it he said, "you know, we've been trying to find the Alonso's station and start playing it in Loco." First of all, I am fairly positive that the manager/owner does NOT want Loco to be playing pop or it already would be. Second of all, if they did want to play the Alonso's station in Loco the managers could do so easily because they know what station they play in each restaurant and they can simply use the Loco music controller to tune the fuck into the same little numbers that are on the front of the Alonso's music controller.
Lunatic. At this point I am figuring out that half of what he says is a crock of bullshit. "We" my ass.
3)He spoke to me in a very condescending manner about how this is my first job in a restaurant and how he has worked in the industry for years. Good riddance. That should make it embarrassing that I get way more tips that he does. Probably because I am way cuter as a result of not having a chipped tooth!
On the other hand, he does drive a scooter.
I will let this go for now, I suppose. But if he stands in front of my face one more time, I will address that shit immediately.
"I like your hair. It's a little 80's, a little I don't care."
-Beizing
Sleeplessness
I live in a state of near constant stress. Its really ridiculous. I will probably die early from some sort of system break down because of it.
I stress about everything. And when things go wrong it feels like the end of the world to me. I am a big fan of making dramatic statements like "I should just kill myself!" or "this is the worst day of my life" much to the chagrin of my mother and Chloe. And its not that I really believe either of those things...its just that I really experience stress so strongly that I need a verbal outlet for my inner turmoil.
And its not like I haven't been proven right time and time again that where there is any opportunity for things to go wrong they will. You only visit South Africa once every 4 years and you're coming this year? Whoops, your family there is magically taking a vacay to Ireland and will not be seeing you. You have the first polisci exam of your life and show up at the time posted on MYUW? Poor you, the exam was at a different time and you missed it. You paid 50 dollars in wire transfers and school fees to order a transcript to be sent from UCT to LSAC three months ago? Time will slide by and countless office people will assure you on the phone that they sent it, but it will never arrive.
Argh. But the thing is, in the end everything does work out to some extent, which makes all my sleepless nights tossing and turning in bed useless......Hmmmm, or is it my sensitivity to stress that enables me to take control of impossible situations and ensure the eventual production of solutions? Perhaps. I would prefer to think of it that way, I guess. But I would also prefer to stop stressing and enjoy life once in awhile without having to use my expert denial skills to push away my underlying feelings of impending doom.
Well anyway, I am happy tonight because in the throws of insomnia I had the bright idea to call UCT about my transcript once again, and they told me that the courier service I ordered finally picked up my package. Ahoy! Aaaand, then I called the courier service and they said that it is already in Pennsylvania and it will arrive tomorrow. I am excessively relieved.
But I swear they must inject those cough drops with caffeine because I still can't manage even a hint of a doze.
Maybe I should paint my nails.
I stress about everything. And when things go wrong it feels like the end of the world to me. I am a big fan of making dramatic statements like "I should just kill myself!" or "this is the worst day of my life" much to the chagrin of my mother and Chloe. And its not that I really believe either of those things...its just that I really experience stress so strongly that I need a verbal outlet for my inner turmoil.
And its not like I haven't been proven right time and time again that where there is any opportunity for things to go wrong they will. You only visit South Africa once every 4 years and you're coming this year? Whoops, your family there is magically taking a vacay to Ireland and will not be seeing you. You have the first polisci exam of your life and show up at the time posted on MYUW? Poor you, the exam was at a different time and you missed it. You paid 50 dollars in wire transfers and school fees to order a transcript to be sent from UCT to LSAC three months ago? Time will slide by and countless office people will assure you on the phone that they sent it, but it will never arrive.
Argh. But the thing is, in the end everything does work out to some extent, which makes all my sleepless nights tossing and turning in bed useless......Hmmmm, or is it my sensitivity to stress that enables me to take control of impossible situations and ensure the eventual production of solutions? Perhaps. I would prefer to think of it that way, I guess. But I would also prefer to stop stressing and enjoy life once in awhile without having to use my expert denial skills to push away my underlying feelings of impending doom.
Well anyway, I am happy tonight because in the throws of insomnia I had the bright idea to call UCT about my transcript once again, and they told me that the courier service I ordered finally picked up my package. Ahoy! Aaaand, then I called the courier service and they said that it is already in Pennsylvania and it will arrive tomorrow. I am excessively relieved.
But I swear they must inject those cough drops with caffeine because I still can't manage even a hint of a doze.
Maybe I should paint my nails.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Go to Hell
I am filled with rage.
And if things continue everyone at work will find out that I am not the naive push-over that they assume that I am. I have been exceedingly polite since I started this job. I am polite to all the staff because everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. And whenever another staff member was rude to me I would just ignore them until the chaos passed (at the restaurant people are usually only rude when we are in a state of panic trying to feed two dining rooms full of Roland Park high rollers).
That being said, I am about to snap. There is a boy at work....let's call him Ted. Scrappy kid, that one. He got hired about two weeks ago. So, compared to me he is very very very new. And yet, he hasn't hesitated to blatantly disrespect me no less that four times. He's worse than fucking Judas! Well, aside from the fact that he didn't pretend to respect me in the first place.
First day on the job after three days of training he shows up with a black eye. Apparently he got into a bar fight when some "crazy chick" attacked him. He also is small and wiry and has a chipped tooth which I don't doubt that he got in a similar situation. His physical abnormalities, however, serve to endear him to most of the staff, and he accounts his misfortunes with hilarity. By his second day on the job he gained familiarity with some of the main waitresses, some of whom still don't seem to like me...hmph.
This brings us to Slight #1:
We are all standing in a haphazard semicircle around the waiters' booth at the back of the restaurant. He walks up. There are plenty of openings in the circle for him to stand and plenty walls and surfaces for him to lean on like the rest of us are. Instead, Ted decides that it would be great fun to stand directly in front of me, cutting me out of the circle and forcing me to stare at the back of his ugly head.
Slight #2:
Ted does that exact same thing. He comes and stands in such a way that focuses the attention in the group on him and forces me out.
There is no way that this could be accidental twice in a row. Even if he wasn't actively trying to offend me, he could not have behaved in such a way repeatedly without having no regard fro me as a person. He clearly believes that I don't deserve basic respect....not even the respect that one would afford a coworker, but the respect that you afford other human beings. Fucker.
Slight #3:
I am discussing with the other waitresses which chores I prefer to do if I have to be one of the two closers at the end of the night. I share that I prefer sweeping and mopping because even if the task as a whole is longer than the alternative (vacuuming) you can start while the last customers are still in the restaurant and thus have a chance of finishing ahead of the waiter who must vacuum.
Ted interrupts and says, "No you can't start sweeping and mopping while customers are still here." Excuse me?! You have never even closed before. You were hired last week. Why would you think that you know what I can or cannot do?!?! And if you think I'm wrong, why would you think that you can contradict me having just met me and knowing that I have worked at the restaurant 5 months longer than your sorry ass.
What a jerk off.
Slight # 4:
Ted fucking stands directly in front of my face one more time.
Why did I not say anything to him when he physically blocked me out three times? I don't know. I have given this much thought. And as far as I can remember I was embarrassed when it happened. I felt awkward that a new person could feel enough power over me to cut me out of a conversation with my coworkers, and that the coworkers didn't notice/mind at all. When I feel personally slighted I tend to experience hurt before anger. And I think that is why I did not directly address the problem that night.
But. I am very angry now. More angry than I have been at anybody in a long long time. And Ted has another thing coming if he thinks that he can disrespect me again without consequences. If he crosses me again, which I think is inevitable for a person of his level of intellect and morality, I will not only ensure that he is humiliated in front of the other restaurant staff, I will also fuck him up if he does not offer a genuine apology. I know you think that I will never actually confront him on a physical level and that I am just writing to make myself feel better. But, if I have to, I swear I will beat his ass. Just like the girl in the bar that gave him that black eye.
Good riddance. I hate that scrawny, worthless, fake, disresepctful motherfucker.
And if things continue everyone at work will find out that I am not the naive push-over that they assume that I am. I have been exceedingly polite since I started this job. I am polite to all the staff because everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. And whenever another staff member was rude to me I would just ignore them until the chaos passed (at the restaurant people are usually only rude when we are in a state of panic trying to feed two dining rooms full of Roland Park high rollers).
That being said, I am about to snap. There is a boy at work....let's call him Ted. Scrappy kid, that one. He got hired about two weeks ago. So, compared to me he is very very very new. And yet, he hasn't hesitated to blatantly disrespect me no less that four times. He's worse than fucking Judas! Well, aside from the fact that he didn't pretend to respect me in the first place.
First day on the job after three days of training he shows up with a black eye. Apparently he got into a bar fight when some "crazy chick" attacked him. He also is small and wiry and has a chipped tooth which I don't doubt that he got in a similar situation. His physical abnormalities, however, serve to endear him to most of the staff, and he accounts his misfortunes with hilarity. By his second day on the job he gained familiarity with some of the main waitresses, some of whom still don't seem to like me...hmph.
This brings us to Slight #1:
We are all standing in a haphazard semicircle around the waiters' booth at the back of the restaurant. He walks up. There are plenty of openings in the circle for him to stand and plenty walls and surfaces for him to lean on like the rest of us are. Instead, Ted decides that it would be great fun to stand directly in front of me, cutting me out of the circle and forcing me to stare at the back of his ugly head.
Slight #2:
Ted does that exact same thing. He comes and stands in such a way that focuses the attention in the group on him and forces me out.
There is no way that this could be accidental twice in a row. Even if he wasn't actively trying to offend me, he could not have behaved in such a way repeatedly without having no regard fro me as a person. He clearly believes that I don't deserve basic respect....not even the respect that one would afford a coworker, but the respect that you afford other human beings. Fucker.
Slight #3:
I am discussing with the other waitresses which chores I prefer to do if I have to be one of the two closers at the end of the night. I share that I prefer sweeping and mopping because even if the task as a whole is longer than the alternative (vacuuming) you can start while the last customers are still in the restaurant and thus have a chance of finishing ahead of the waiter who must vacuum.
Ted interrupts and says, "No you can't start sweeping and mopping while customers are still here." Excuse me?! You have never even closed before. You were hired last week. Why would you think that you know what I can or cannot do?!?! And if you think I'm wrong, why would you think that you can contradict me having just met me and knowing that I have worked at the restaurant 5 months longer than your sorry ass.
What a jerk off.
Slight # 4:
Ted fucking stands directly in front of my face one more time.
Why did I not say anything to him when he physically blocked me out three times? I don't know. I have given this much thought. And as far as I can remember I was embarrassed when it happened. I felt awkward that a new person could feel enough power over me to cut me out of a conversation with my coworkers, and that the coworkers didn't notice/mind at all. When I feel personally slighted I tend to experience hurt before anger. And I think that is why I did not directly address the problem that night.
But. I am very angry now. More angry than I have been at anybody in a long long time. And Ted has another thing coming if he thinks that he can disrespect me again without consequences. If he crosses me again, which I think is inevitable for a person of his level of intellect and morality, I will not only ensure that he is humiliated in front of the other restaurant staff, I will also fuck him up if he does not offer a genuine apology. I know you think that I will never actually confront him on a physical level and that I am just writing to make myself feel better. But, if I have to, I swear I will beat his ass. Just like the girl in the bar that gave him that black eye.
Good riddance. I hate that scrawny, worthless, fake, disresepctful motherfucker.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Waitressing Wiles
Today was a shit storm.
In addition to having WWIII waged in my throat while I was at work, I also had to sit through a nonconsensual blind date.
A certain waitress at my work has been going on for months about how she wants to hook me up with her brother because he would "treat me like gold" and because "he owns a house" and "likes naive girls" and "wants to settle down". Can you say, "not at all a turn on"? And, for most of that time I was dating Josh anyway and had no desire to look elsewhere. And now that Josh and I are no longer dating I am still 100% NOT interested in being hooked up with someone's 27 year-old brother. I made myself clear on that point too.
Yet, while the two of us were working today this waitress misled her brother into driving all the way to the restaurant to sit in the waiters' booth with us and make me awkward. Damn it, I couldn't even escape after a polite period of time because I was on the clock!
And its not like he was unattractive or anything, but 27 is much too old for me. I already look like I am 15, so if I ever dated this guy it would look like I was out with a big bro slash pedophile. Which, with me, is sometimes unavoidable, but still...
Anyway, it was so thoroughly awkward that I could feel cortisol pumping through my veins the entire time.
Here are some little nuggets from the conversation:
Her: "Hey bro, did I tell you that Phoebe won the Miss Congeniality award at work?"
Him: "No you didn't, but she doesn't seem that congenial....yet."
Me: [dropping silverware] "shit."
Him: "Ooh, when you told me about her on the phone you told me that she didn't have a foul mouth."
Them: [talking in another language together]
I didn't know whether to be more upset that he thought an inadvertent "shit" qualified me as having a foul mouth or that she had obviously said that I was too naive/prudish to swear, which is so typical of everyone at the restaurant.
It was odd and completely blush-worthy. Luckily he got the hint and left. But I still felt dirty afterwards. And it didn't help that every sentence he said to or about me sounded like he had meant for it to end with "in bed".
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiicoolaaaaaaa."
-A commercial
In addition to having WWIII waged in my throat while I was at work, I also had to sit through a nonconsensual blind date.
A certain waitress at my work has been going on for months about how she wants to hook me up with her brother because he would "treat me like gold" and because "he owns a house" and "likes naive girls" and "wants to settle down". Can you say, "not at all a turn on"? And, for most of that time I was dating Josh anyway and had no desire to look elsewhere. And now that Josh and I are no longer dating I am still 100% NOT interested in being hooked up with someone's 27 year-old brother. I made myself clear on that point too.
Yet, while the two of us were working today this waitress misled her brother into driving all the way to the restaurant to sit in the waiters' booth with us and make me awkward. Damn it, I couldn't even escape after a polite period of time because I was on the clock!
And its not like he was unattractive or anything, but 27 is much too old for me. I already look like I am 15, so if I ever dated this guy it would look like I was out with a big bro slash pedophile. Which, with me, is sometimes unavoidable, but still...
Anyway, it was so thoroughly awkward that I could feel cortisol pumping through my veins the entire time.
Here are some little nuggets from the conversation:
Her: "Hey bro, did I tell you that Phoebe won the Miss Congeniality award at work?"
Him: "No you didn't, but she doesn't seem that congenial....yet."
Me: [dropping silverware] "shit."
Him: "Ooh, when you told me about her on the phone you told me that she didn't have a foul mouth."
Them: [talking in another language together]
I didn't know whether to be more upset that he thought an inadvertent "shit" qualified me as having a foul mouth or that she had obviously said that I was too naive/prudish to swear, which is so typical of everyone at the restaurant.
It was odd and completely blush-worthy. Luckily he got the hint and left. But I still felt dirty afterwards. And it didn't help that every sentence he said to or about me sounded like he had meant for it to end with "in bed".
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiicoolaaaaaaa."
-A commercial
Pobre Sita
There is napalm in my throat and it ignites every time I swallow (no crude jokes). Do you think they will let me take work off if I am not able to sleep?
The answer is no.
Oh, and I have to fight a boy at work. So I'm finally going to buy that mace I've been talking about.
The answer is no.
Oh, and I have to fight a boy at work. So I'm finally going to buy that mace I've been talking about.
Friday, January 2, 2009
We sing. We dance. We steal things.
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
D-d-do do you, but do you, d-d-do
But do you want to come on
Scooch on over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Come on and open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
So please don't, there's no need
There's no need to complicate
'Cause our time is short
This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
D-d-do do you, but do you, d-d-do
But do you want to come on
Scooch on over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Come on and open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
So please don't, there's no need
There's no need to complicate
'Cause our time is short
This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Stream of Conscience
They say that people are wired to do evil. Humans are egocentric and selfish above all other traits. And that personal survival (or that of our genes) is our most innate and ingrained motive for any type of action.
As far as evolution goes, that's probably true. The species that have survived over millions of years are those that best protect their genetic code through self-preservation, altruism or whatever worked best.
I'm not stupid. And I believe in evolution, survival of the fittest, etc. But we've come to a new dawn in civilization. Survival of the fittest has a far different meaning than it did. It's not about physical strength or mental prowess anymore. In the first world at least, the competition for survival does not determine who will live long enough to have offspring, it determines who will live the longest and whose offspring will have a better chance of securing placement within the ruling class.
Survival instincts have become obsolete in determining true survival.
But what are underneath these basic self-serving tendencies are another far more interesting set of traits. We have come so far past considering basic survival that the concern of the modern world is preserving one's own happiness...whatever that means. Clearly, amassing enough wealth to ensure the comfortable existence of all kin is one of the first steps to happiness. But then what?
I think what we will find is that humans are all wired similarly. Whether it is in our genes or in some more elusive general conscience, after everything else, a certain level of charity is absolutely required in order to be happy. I don't think it is a choice to have moral instincts, I don't think it runs counter to our basic make-up. I don't even think that anyone in the entire world can be satisfied living a life that doesn't include compassion.
It is a fact of life that you will never be happy if you concentrate only on yourself or your family. Even psychiatrists will say that the best way to recover from loss is to take care of someone else. To make yourself concerned with the well-being of some one not wholly connected to you.
This has been very long-winded and not all that focused....not very groundbreaking at all. But what I mean to say is that I firmly believe that while humans may have selfish instincts, having them is no excuse for acting on them. And that in the end, we have just as strong instincts for generosity. You cannot be happy without being somewhat selfless at times (though that makes the word selfless somewhat less applicable, I think it still applies because even if people benefit internally from acts of kindness, that is never a strong enough motivation for initiating the act initially). And in a world so focused on attaining a sexy, sensual state of nirvana it is inevitable that a lucky portion of society will evolve to incorporate compassion and charity into their general state of existence.
A lot of people wonder who I think will go to heaven. People ask me if I am a traditional Christian in an effort to test whether I have the cojones to tell them that I think that they (as a non-Christian) are going to hell. But that is not necessarily the traditional Christian belief....and, in any case, I am not a traditional Christian. I do believe in heaven and perhaps in hell too. But, I think that who goes to heaven and hell is a decision completely devoid of any litmus test that mere mortals would comprehend. If I had to guess, though. Based on what I believe. I would say that in addition to and in conjunction with the "traditional Christian" notion of belief saving you, acts are equally important. And the lucky portion of society that is able to include goodwill as a staple of life will be saved too.
And, while I'm at it, I don't think that simple belief will necessarily save anyone. Most, yes. But not all those who claim faith. Because belief cannot be genuine in a life devoid of selflessness. Acts are meaningful without explicit belief, but belief without action does little more than give Christianity a bad name.
"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."
James 2:26
People have overlooked the significance of James for far too long.
As far as evolution goes, that's probably true. The species that have survived over millions of years are those that best protect their genetic code through self-preservation, altruism or whatever worked best.
I'm not stupid. And I believe in evolution, survival of the fittest, etc. But we've come to a new dawn in civilization. Survival of the fittest has a far different meaning than it did. It's not about physical strength or mental prowess anymore. In the first world at least, the competition for survival does not determine who will live long enough to have offspring, it determines who will live the longest and whose offspring will have a better chance of securing placement within the ruling class.
Survival instincts have become obsolete in determining true survival.
But what are underneath these basic self-serving tendencies are another far more interesting set of traits. We have come so far past considering basic survival that the concern of the modern world is preserving one's own happiness...whatever that means. Clearly, amassing enough wealth to ensure the comfortable existence of all kin is one of the first steps to happiness. But then what?
I think what we will find is that humans are all wired similarly. Whether it is in our genes or in some more elusive general conscience, after everything else, a certain level of charity is absolutely required in order to be happy. I don't think it is a choice to have moral instincts, I don't think it runs counter to our basic make-up. I don't even think that anyone in the entire world can be satisfied living a life that doesn't include compassion.
It is a fact of life that you will never be happy if you concentrate only on yourself or your family. Even psychiatrists will say that the best way to recover from loss is to take care of someone else. To make yourself concerned with the well-being of some one not wholly connected to you.
This has been very long-winded and not all that focused....not very groundbreaking at all. But what I mean to say is that I firmly believe that while humans may have selfish instincts, having them is no excuse for acting on them. And that in the end, we have just as strong instincts for generosity. You cannot be happy without being somewhat selfless at times (though that makes the word selfless somewhat less applicable, I think it still applies because even if people benefit internally from acts of kindness, that is never a strong enough motivation for initiating the act initially). And in a world so focused on attaining a sexy, sensual state of nirvana it is inevitable that a lucky portion of society will evolve to incorporate compassion and charity into their general state of existence.
A lot of people wonder who I think will go to heaven. People ask me if I am a traditional Christian in an effort to test whether I have the cojones to tell them that I think that they (as a non-Christian) are going to hell. But that is not necessarily the traditional Christian belief....and, in any case, I am not a traditional Christian. I do believe in heaven and perhaps in hell too. But, I think that who goes to heaven and hell is a decision completely devoid of any litmus test that mere mortals would comprehend. If I had to guess, though. Based on what I believe. I would say that in addition to and in conjunction with the "traditional Christian" notion of belief saving you, acts are equally important. And the lucky portion of society that is able to include goodwill as a staple of life will be saved too.
And, while I'm at it, I don't think that simple belief will necessarily save anyone. Most, yes. But not all those who claim faith. Because belief cannot be genuine in a life devoid of selflessness. Acts are meaningful without explicit belief, but belief without action does little more than give Christianity a bad name.
"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."
James 2:26
People have overlooked the significance of James for far too long.
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