Programmed

I am fairly positive that I have been overly empathetic from day 1. And I think that this may be one of my biggest issues. I can remember myself at the age of four doing a rotating sleep arrangement with my many stuffed animals so that they could each have a prime spot on the bed eventually and none of them would have reason to feel left out. Perhaps attributing feelings to inanimate objects suggests bigger problems than an over developed sense of empathy, I don't know.

And one of my most traumatic memories is of me getting lice. I had to stay home for days while my hair was yanked and doused in chemicals, and worst of all, all my stuffed animals were bagged up. My parents said that I could get them back in a year. I thought that the world was ending.

In any case, I think this whole people thinking I am some kind of innocent porcelain doll who is polite to the point of un-funness stems from me being too invested in other people's emotions. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or offend them at all or mess up and have them judge me. And so I am boring. And when someone offends me, I over analyze it to the point where I end up feeling sorry for them and can't get up the nerve to risk hurting their feelings by taking revenge...or even addressing the issue.

And then on the flip side, I sometimes get so fed up with being a wimp and being so constantly overlooked because I am generally nice that I will lash out. I will absolutely blindside someone who is expecting me to act neutrally, and then they end up thinking that I am a bitch.

Basically, I can't win.




Saw Frost/Nixon. It was good I thought, but both mi madre and mi hermanita fell asleep. I could never ever fall asleep in a movie. Maybe at home, but not in the theater. I like living vicariously too much to zone out.