Excerpts

My sister: "I would like a blow torch."
My mother: "I could guess that."

"Them apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur..."
-My sister, at Hampton Mansion

"Your nose is so red, mom!"
-Me
"Well, your whole face is red."
-My mother

"If I tell you now what I think you are insecure about, then I won't be able to use it as ammunition later when I am mad at you."
-Aaron

"Woof!"
-My grandmother taking a family picture and attempting to get our attention.

A short, egocentric tantrum

I think it is pretty clear that I will never find a place to fit in. Am I being emo? Yes. But that doesn't mean what I'm saying isn't true.

It's hard for me to get to know people because I'm shy. I don't have a magnetic personality like so many other girls I know. I'm not charming when you first meet me...or really at all. I'm nice, but in a boring way.

And even if someone puts in the prolonged effort required to get to know me, it doesn't mean that they will like what they find. My relatives are unhappy because I am much too liberal for their taste, and my grandmother in particular worries that my interest in the "anti-Christian" organization that is the ACLU will send me down a path to *gasp* something bad....heathenism, atheism, hell, or sin in general.

In a similar vein, I don't think I will ever fit in with people at a church. Even the Mennonites are too socially conservative, too boring, and too...pious...??? Is that bad to say? I mean, its hard to feel like you belong to a group who would aneurysm if they knew that you were a fan of tequila shots with salt and lime.

On the other hand, the friends that I am closest with, that fill all the holes left by my family, etc, they don't really get all the parts of my life. Some of them can't understand why I am weirded out by their belief that chemicals and pheromones completely define our personalities, choices and lives. Others oscillate between suspicion that I am secretly trying to convert them, and willfully misunderstanding what me and people like me do believe.

The only person I have ever met that is at all similar to me with regard to politics versus religion is Will. And he is gay.

Argh, I am so unimpressed. With a lot of things. Especially myself. Embarrassing.

Eves Are Cozy

Lynchburg, VA. Yeehaw! ....Amen is actually more like it.

You know that you are far far away from Seattle when everything is called Liberty. Falwell's Liberty University, Liberty High, Liberty Middle and Elementary School and Liberty Bitty Bulldog's Cheer Squad, which my little cousin is a member of.

The Christmas Eve service at my aunt and uncle's church opened with, "So who went to WalMart today?" The scary part was that more than half of the congregation raised their hands. Other than that, a good time was had by all. Particularly by my grandmother who is a fan of belting out carols in the highest key possible. All these prissy lacrosse mom types were turning around and looking to see where all the noise was coming from. And then they caught an eyeful of me glaring at them, unwashed in my mom's 60's down puffer vest and hat and they turned back around. Yes, I am a G.

Don't worry, I will shower tomorrow before anyone captures me on film.

Interesting factoids from the Christmas Eve dinner table:

If you put a steak in a bowl of Coke it will disappear by the morning.
-My sister...perhaps this is not actually true, but she swears by the YouTube video she saw.

If you put a snake in a bowl of Coke it will disappear by the morning!
-My grandmother mishearing and repeating what my sister said. Though I don't doubt that any Coke-sodden snake would be gone by morning.

If domesticated pigs end up back in the wild, they will grow hair and tusks and become extreme beasts a la Lord of the Flies.
-I disputed the truth of my dad's claim here, but he shut me down by hooking up the "internets" and "putting me on the line".

There is a place in Michigan where a bunch of farm pigs got lose in the bush, and now for a huge fee you can go there and shoot one.
-Dad/internet.

If you are standing on the magnetic North Pole holding a compass, contrary to popular belief (among the little cousins), it will not point down.
-My nuclear something (physicist?) uncle.


Happy happy Christmas, y'all!








"Do you ever go to thrift stores? Well if you find a bathing suit in a size 22, then you should buy it and send it to me."
-My grandmother's crazy friend, Dolores, requesting some swimwear from my mother when they spoke at church.

Bittersweet

I feel like hell.


And I have nothing intelligent to say, as per usual.


There is nothing worse than feeling hurt and tremblingly sad and then also feeling guilty like you deserve what you got. Pitiful. And I am fairly sure that I have been forgotten already. And even if I haven't, then it doesn't matter anyway because having no contact whatsoever is almost as good as being forgotten.

Fuck. How do I get myself into these messes? I just eliminated from my life the one person who I have wanted to be close with since birth.

I am so very sad. In protest of the extremely trying life that I lead I am refusing to shower for church tomorrow.

Let's play Thanksgiving roundtable:

I might hate life at this particular moment, but I am thankful for.....
friends (particularly Chloe, the one who I call emo, and the one called Emi, the one who likes Big Bear)
ramikazes
Bridget Jones
my sister
my parents (though not their absence)
the phrase "blood is thicker than water"
Pride and Prejudice
Collin Firth
Jennifer Ehle
flavored coffee creamer (ahoy, fake lattes!)
clam chowder
eggs
my Sedu
my unicorn band-aids (double size for xtra large wounds!)
my Cinderella chapstick (I would like the Ariel one the best, but it is unfortunately green instead of pink)
my ragdoll kitty and the 16-pounder that sleeps on my bed
Bo
people at work who are nice
the table tonight who wrote me a note on their receipt
public television
convertible mittens
the 80's
Disney princess ziplocs (what a find!)
Twilight
The Annotated Alice
the fact that I am really really good-looking
Barack
Nachos
Old Bay wings
Sketchy business practices
Mebos
My persuasively vivid imagination that I can use to convince myself that I am not irrevocably depressed.


"You're gonna be the death of me. I don't want you, but I need you. I love you and I hate you at the very same time."
-Kanye, et al

Firsts

I just got dumped for the first time.

MLC

My dog is fairly smart. Not on par with the golden retriever that my family used to have, but pretty intelligent for a dog. When i put on my running shoes or whip out my iPod, he knows that either he is about to get a walk or I am going to go exercise. And since its way too cold to exercise these days (aka, I am way too lazy to do it), he can be fairly positive he is going out.

And then he does this adorable thing where he waits in another room while I get ready and sits rigidly while peaking at me out of the corner of his eye. He will purposely face another direction so that only one of his eyes can see me. Odd, that one. But incredibly adorable.

My life has really hit a rut, though. You can tell because I am writing about animals in my blog. I never thought I would be that person who had nothing to write about except her pets. Well, there it is.

I suppose I could also say how I spilled coffee in the middle of my bed earlier tonight. Why these crises always happen to me I will never know.

Also, I am really feeling the effects of the recent demise of our bootleg cable.



"lose ur remote a lot.....put that shit on a leash and attach it to the end of yo couch"
-facebook group post

Precision and Perfection

Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightly, Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightly......a question for the ages. Mr. Darcy is the favorite among most, but I think that is because more people have read Pride and Prejudice than Emma. I think that if you look at the two characters objectively, you'll find that Mr. Knightly is actually more likable. But then again, part of Mr. Darcy's charm is the thrill of discovering the perfect man under all of his pompousness and social pretenses.

I'm watching Pride and Prejudice now, and for the very first time I am finding myself annoyed with Elizabeth. How can that be? She's always been my favorite. Maybe I am just too sleepy for her right now.

I will grow up for a second and force myself to turn off the television and put myself to bed.

Trite Bullshit...

is what this blog is full of.

More from last night:
I had a stalker table a couple of days ago. It was a guy (oldish, but younger than my parents) and his dad who shamelessly hit on me all night. The talked like Vegas hot shots minus the suits and the money and grabbed my hand throughout the night. Well, the came to the restaurant last night and requested me as their waitress. It was awful lots of really bad jokes that I was forced to laugh at (me saying "tell me when to stop" as I ground pepper on their salads and the guy saying "oh, I would never want you to stop, baby"). They winked at me incessantly and the dad even kissed me on the cheek. I can't tell if the dad wanted me to come home with them so that his son could have me or so that they could both get in on the action. I had to tell them that I had a boyfriend and that I didn't want any "side action" 5 times during the course of the night. Ridiculous.

I really should look into getting that mace I was thinking about.

And now I have a day of alone-ness since the parents went to Cabo for the week and I have off from work. I feel like a small child who has been played with and spoiled and is now being ignored. I will remedy these negative feelings the best way I can think of: eating my chocolate cheesecake and watching Pride and Prejudice. Law school applications? What law school applications?


Oh, and David Blaine is my new drug of choice.

"David Blaine.....make it rain."
-Lupe, I think
"The best trick ever was making the world believe that magic doesn't exist."

Never Let Your Sister Listen To T.I.

Right now I am absurdly embarrassed to have been born in Illinois. There are no words. But hey, every state goes through a rough patch after losing a gem like Obama, right? Right???

My head was so corrupted with all the bribery news that I had to watch back-to-back House episodes tonight. I had to drop my Seventh Heaven addiction after they served up an episode filled with political misinformation under the guise of a heartwarming Save Darfur theme. Gag me. I would boycott the Hallmark Channel altogether if my mom and sister and I hadn't gotten so involved in that Love Comes Softly series of movies with Katherine Heigl.

And along the lines of my Baltimore=too hardcore for me exposé. I am pretty sure that Baltimore=too hardcore for my sister too. She is fast on her way to demonstrating the quickest way to get shot in Baltimore. Which would be singing her new favorite song parody, "I can do whatever, I'm white," in the halls of her school. Oh, that one has grown up to be quite a doll.

Kansas looks a little different these days...

I don't think Baltimore will ever really feel like home. Not that my family hasn't tried hard to make it my home too. My house here feels kind of like home. But the city itself isn't really me. Or rather, I'm not quite hardcore enough for Baltimore.

Case in point:
On Halloween all the guys at the restaurant were going crazy because there was a rumor going around that the bloods were going to murder more than 30 women that night. The police said that it was just an urban legend, but the gang initiation ritual is very real. Guys must either murder or slash the faces of a certain number of women in order to become a member of the bloods. The fact that the Baltimore PD issued a statement that the rumors are false is bullshit. Maybe that is their strategy for relaxing the masses, but you only have to go to Google to find out that there are hundreds of people out there who have been victims of Halloween slashings, who know of victims, or who are gang members themselves and confirm the truth of the Halloween massacre initiation. The police should make people aware of the possibility of violence and not just pretend it doesn't exist.

I like to think that nothing bad will happen in the six block radius that is my bourgeois bubble. But this isn't Cape Town where the good neighborhoods are better insulated from crime by armed guards and distance. Baltimore is more urban sprawl than township vs. suburb and people are too unwilling to stoop to precautions like guards and barred windows.

It doesn't help that I refuse to be smart about my safety. Maybe I should at least get myself some mace.

Second case in point:
I walk into the restaurant today and the line-up that usually consists of the manager describing the night's specials started with a "please don't come to work intoxicated". And a "please don't bring your drugs to work". Whoops. Someone fucked up. Apparently the manager found little condiment cups of weed at the front desk and a bag of it downstairs. Someone is a dip shit. Why would you not just carry it on your person if you insist on bringing it to work? Its not like anyone is going to pat you down or anything, especially since I'm pretty sure that the weed that was confiscated was just added to our fearless leader's personal stash. He said that it wasn't that high quality though.

Entertaining, yes, but I am definitely not a Baltimorean 4 Life or anything of that bumper sticker nature. Seattle will always remain my heel-clicking destination.

Violently Pink

Another post for today since I have been shunning this blog for a few weeks...

My nails are the hottest hot pink ever right now. It's very Zenon. I recommend it. It gets me even better tips at work. And, no...get your mind out of the gutter, I don't work in THAT kind of service industry.

So cryptically, here's what is new (ish): I am in a situation that I want to get out of but I don't know how. Meanwhile I am being exactly the kind of person that you see in movies and think "how dumb is she?! Get over yourself and do what you need to do." That's right. I have become Cher from Clueless. I can just hear "We're the kids in America" playing in the background. Actually, I will give myself a huge break and say that I'm Emma instead. Much much better and yet still accurate.

And for my rants of the month:
Did you hear that Bush's new neighborhood didn't allow minorities to live there until 2000? He's got to be either really ignorant to not know that or really asinine to not care.

Also, does Ali Larter bug anybody else, or is it just me?


"I'd rather be horrified than bored."
-Turning Tables

All in the Family

So, one of my cousins is actually pretty big in South Africa. Tee hee. That sounds funny, doesn't it? But its more than partially true. He and his (old?) hip hop group, Entity, have a few music videos out and they got a lot of play on MTV South Africa. And the rest of their songs are good too.

I decided its about time that I started repping him. Check him out on facebook...his name is Kiernan Forbes or AKA.

Here's the link to his last video:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=3187207

Or at least I think its his last video. He's very secretive about all this music stuff, so I have to find it out myself through his dad or through Google.