Waitressing Wiles

Today was a shit storm.

In addition to having WWIII waged in my throat while I was at work, I also had to sit through a nonconsensual blind date.

A certain waitress at my work has been going on for months about how she wants to hook me up with her brother because he would "treat me like gold" and because "he owns a house" and "likes naive girls" and "wants to settle down". Can you say, "not at all a turn on"? And, for most of that time I was dating Josh anyway and had no desire to look elsewhere. And now that Josh and I are no longer dating I am still 100% NOT interested in being hooked up with someone's 27 year-old brother. I made myself clear on that point too.

Yet, while the two of us were working today this waitress misled her brother into driving all the way to the restaurant to sit in the waiters' booth with us and make me awkward. Damn it, I couldn't even escape after a polite period of time because I was on the clock!

And its not like he was unattractive or anything, but 27 is much too old for me. I already look like I am 15, so if I ever dated this guy it would look like I was out with a big bro slash pedophile. Which, with me, is sometimes unavoidable, but still...

Anyway, it was so thoroughly awkward that I could feel cortisol pumping through my veins the entire time.

Here are some little nuggets from the conversation:

Her: "Hey bro, did I tell you that Phoebe won the Miss Congeniality award at work?"

Him: "No you didn't, but she doesn't seem that congenial....yet."


Me: [dropping silverware] "shit."

Him: "Ooh, when you told me about her on the phone you told me that she didn't have a foul mouth."

Them: [talking in another language together]

I didn't know whether to be more upset that he thought an inadvertent "shit" qualified me as having a foul mouth or that she had obviously said that I was too naive/prudish to swear, which is so typical of everyone at the restaurant.

It was odd and completely blush-worthy. Luckily he got the hint and left. But I still felt dirty afterwards. And it didn't help that every sentence he said to or about me sounded like he had meant for it to end with "in bed".




"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiicoolaaaaaaa."
-A commercial