Orientation Inevitabilities

The most interesting people are always the ones that I misjudge at first.

Notable mentions so far...

1. Serious Boy

Not a straight-up nerd per se, but all packaged up with techno glasses, conscientious class participation and a refusal to laugh at professors' jokes.

Game-changing move: Hooked up with two girls in one night. I witnessed one of the hook-ups myself. The collision of tongues was intense enough to qualify as both softcore (like porn) and hardcore (like a traffic accident)...Either way, impossible to not stare at.

New classification: Player Boy.

2. Pill Commercial Girl

She looks like one of bikini-clad synchro swimmers in the Seasonel birth control commercials. Gorgeous and poised. And in a hard-core relationship, like most all gorgeous, poised 20-somethings.

Game-changing move: Hooked up with rotund boy at club.

New Classification: Crazy...I mean wtfuck? She's gorgeous, he's not, and he is a republican. Poor choice, hon. I mean no real judgment here, just shock.

3. Frizz Girl

I just want to condition her hair. And I am not usually one to talk about that delicate subject since I suffer from humidity-induced half-fros on a regular basis. Anyway, I just assumed that boys would not consider her the most bangin' babe ever because of the frizz halo and the spit-saturated way that she speaks.

Game-changing move: She literally attracts strangers off the sidewalk. And now she is casually dating one of these "hey baby can I get yo digits" boys. I think that in my initial analysis I did not take into account the effect of big boobs. Sounds crass, but so are random guys, right?

New Classification: Holla back girl.

4. Going Places Guy

He is easily the most concerned with the future person that I have encountered here so far. He did not mince words in telling me that according to past precedent, I can kiss my chances of a worthwhile clerkship goodbye if I don't get Honors in my first semester.

Game changing move: TOTALLY broke it down at the club. He went lower than most girls even dare, and was not shy about attempting a grind-up multiple times. Also suddenly insisted on paying for EVERYTHING. I'm talking shots, pizza, t-shirts and taxis. He was shoving money in our hands, purses and pockets until we felt like strippers. Basically, he bankrolled the entire night apart from the round of drinks that his roommate bought and the round of turtles* that his other roommate threw down for.

New Classification: High Roller.

*balloon animal corsages.

I am actually fully in support of all these individuals. I like being surprised, even if the surprise is of the sleazy, slut-muffin variety.

"You forget a space in your citation. No H for you, bitch!"