Okay, well not to Soweto exactly....but "back to the public sphere where he feels able to speak out against all the violence without stepping on the toes of Mbeki and Zuma and all the second generation leaders of the new South Africa" didn't fit nicely into the song.
And now onto things much less important and worldly...
I have another serious issue, and that is that because I am not uber close with any of my UCT friends or on a share-all basis with my cousins, I don't get the advice that I usually depend on to bring order to my life. Maybe that sounds bad, like I can't function on my own and need to depend on others, but I actually think it is very normal, if nothing else. There is always something to be added with a second opinion. And I can get so stubborn about things that I often need the view of an independent outsider (well, someone with my best interests at heart) who can be like, "dear, I actually think that you are being way too hard on your sister because its seems pretty clear that the reason she called you a bitch is because you ignored her for the past two weeks without realizing it" or something of that nature. [totally fabricated example, btdubs]
Anyway, the point is that it has gotten to that point where my own instincts are too muddled and confused for me to follow them. I am too wrapped up in the whole situation to understand why certain things are happening, how much I have contributed to them, and if I am being treated unfairly or not. I know I am a stubbornstubborn person and I always want people to recognize that I am right and, which usually ends up clouding my vision so that when I am actually wrong I don't even realize it. So recently, I have been trying hard to be fair and balanced but I can't tell if I am accidentally pulling a Fox News and putting my own biased twist on events, or if Josh is really being an unforgivable jackass.
Another thing to be said is that I am actually reluctant to write about this, because it is hard to understand without all the background...which I can't adequately give. It's also hard to understand exactly how things are from one story. I live a happy life, really. But if I am motivated to write, its usually going to be regarding something that put my panties in a twist. Pshaw. He really does make me very happy, and though it sounds crazy, I have wanted to be with him since I was ten years old (and vice versa, except that he is a year older, so he was 11) which makes things special in a way, and makes me unwilling to consider ending things.
That being said, just listen to what an ASS he was tonight:
All the familia went to see Indiana Jones tonight, except for his people. But, being the logistics queen that I am I quite nearly had it organized that the portion of the family that lives on his side of town would go pick him up so that he could come with too. Except I suppose I am not such a queen, because the plan bottomed out when the ones who were going to bring him had to leave without him, because he took too long to get home from golf. But instead of just saying, ah well, too bad the people who were going to do me a favor by giving me a ride had to leave before I could get back, he started a major vendetta...something about how it was their duty to wait for him and it was rude of them to leave without him. When they were the ones doing him a favor in the first place.
Then, he gets his friend to drive him all the way to the theater anyway. Nice, I suppose, because he mainly came to see me. But, not really that nice because he and his friend got tickets without even telling me that they were there, and without bothering to try and get seats so that I could sit with them too (theaters in SA assign you specific seats). Then he calls me and says he's at the theater, but he is not willing to even talk to any of the family because he is so mad about what happened. .How he implicated my immediate family in this when all we did was invite him to come is beyond me. We weren't the ones who left without him. Regardless, I once again masterfully worked things out so that I could sit with him in the movie. But after the movie, when the rest of the family congregated around us he stalked off without even saying goodbye to me, just because he wanted to make a point to them. The stupid thing is that he could have still made his twisted, undeserved point by being nice to me and pointedly ignoring the rest of them, but no....as soon as we're out of the theater, he decides to treat me like I am part of the enemy.
And he knows how important goodbyes are to me. Really important. Especially since I won't see him again until next weekend. Goodbyes = closure and warmth and affirmation. I even walked after him with one of my cousins and stopped him to say, "don't I get a goodbye." He just turned away. I hate to be one of thoooose girls and make excuses for him, but part of me wants to. I know he isn't mad at me, and didn't mean for things to get so out of hand. But, at the same time, that was so messed up and represents him prioritizing some stupid fight over treating me well. Still, I want him to be better, and I don't really want him to disappear from my life altogether. I don't know if I should get him to apologize for being a rude prick and make sure he doesn't pull bullshit like that again, or if its a lost cause and I should dump him.
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