Difficult Kids 101

I feel really bad for the woman that I nanny for. She's a fabulous mom and a great person, and I feel like she and I have similar personalities. But her kids drive her absolutely nuts, and her husband is commuting from the west coast on a weekly basis.

The oldest one is four years old and he already acts like an angsty teenager. He throws tantrums so constantly that, for him, making a scene is not an incident, it's a state of being. He likely has sleep apnea which is fueling the problem, but he also has just learned at a very young age how to manipulate his parents.

The little one is two and has a much sunnier disposition, but he learns more from his brother every day. When the two of them get going with their whining and shrieking and pushing it is total mayhem.

Although I am only the nanny and I obviously have a lot less experience with kids and with Till and Te in general than the mom, I feel like talking to her about things. Sometimes when you're trapped in a bad situation you can't quite see the escape route the way an outsider can.

I think the best way to approach the handling of naughty kids is to take on the psyche of a high school jock or someone of that nature. Number one, you need to realize that (to the kids at least) you are hot shit. They are lucky to have your attention whenever they have it, and nothing you do will make them stop adoring you. That's why guys are often better at handling elementary school-aged kids and younger (contrary to popular belief)...because guys have little or no qualms about kids not liking them if they don't give them what they want. Girls are often encouraged by society to weigh the emotional consequences of each action and avoid anything that will make them seem less nice. With badly behaved children, that kind of thinking can be downright dangerous.

Second, don't tolerate bullshit. You are way too cool to have to listen to nonsense like whining. So don't. When kids act out, don't ignore it and don't act like that is normal behavior and simply say "stop whining!" Aim more for the "what the hell do you think you are doing!?" tone (without the hell of course) and make it clear that whining is weird and uncool and will NEVER be rewarded.

Third, whenever whining occurs go out of your way to make sure the kid does not get whatever he was whining for. Even if you were planning to give him a cookie when he whines and starts making a scene about wanting the cookie immediately change your plans and don't give him the cookie. Whether or not you make a big deal of the fact that revoking the cookie is punishment for the whining (which could cause further tantrums and is a little hard for small children to understand), the kids will still learn super quickly that whining is not an effective method of getting what they want. And they will stop whining altogether. Children are naturally inclined to whine like they are inclined to cry when they are sad....whining is a manipulative behavioral tool that they will cease to utilize when it is de-incentivized.

Fourth, go over the top to reward good behavior. Kids are willing to play by the rules when they can understand what the rules are...and when they realize that cheating is not an option because you are smarter and utterly unmanipulatable. Good manners like saying "please" are regularly rewarded by parents because they are so visible...or rather, audible. But also make sure to reward more passive actions like patience, or when a child refrains from freaking out when their toy is stolen. Rewarding good behavior will go just as far as punishing bad behavior once kids work out that they can seriously benefit from pleasing you.

Finally, remember that kids like boundaries. It's not just a silly proclamation that screwballs like Dr. Laura (oooh, I hate her) espouse. It's the truth. You have to realize that kids may not like not being allowed to do something at that exact moment, but they like rules in general. They are learning how to live and rules make life significantly less confusing for them. Plus rules help kids understand how to make YOU happy, and you are such a big part of their life that they can really only be happy when you are happy. So don't be afraid of being a rules bitch. Family households should NOT be democracies.



Endnote: Yes, I hate UCLA this year, but Josh Shipp is SERIOUSLY cute. There is also something to be said for rivals/villains being attractive. See Cillian Murphy.