Insomnia

Having a hard time.
It's nice to blame it on PMS.
It's like a depression cop out.
Your life is really not so bad, its just a chemical imbalance...yay!
But the fact remains that the things that are bothering you are still very real, you are simply paying more attention to them.
I am upset that I am not trusting enough.
I am hurt by things that I shouldn't have read.
I feel guilty that I read them.
I am angry at possibly being lied to.
I am frustrated that I am jealous.
I miss how things used to be.
I hate change.
I hate that my life will inevitably be constant change for the next two years.
I miss Natalie. Fuck code names.
I miss not feeling lonely.
I miss being single.
I miss not needing anything in my life except my family.


The sms said "Angel, it looks like I let a real prize slip away." The old me would have vowed to be okay with my boyfriend staying friends with his exes. But how can I when he goes and writes things like that to them? Was it a mistake? Did he not mean to insinuate that he wishes he was still with her? Yes, it wouldn't have hurt me if I hadn't read it (and snooped in his phone to read it...bad), but I maintain that it still would have damaged me indirectly. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. In any kind of friendship or relationship anything you knowingly do that would hurt the other person will affect things. Not in a bite-you-in-the-ass karma sort of way. You will know you have done it and you will act differently, they will know subconsciously and everything about that dynamic will push the two of you apart.

Argh. I am probably overreacting or under-reacting. The only thing for sure is that I am naive. Actually no. There is another sure thing....and that is that he knows I am naive and yet he did something that he knew would hurt and confuse me anyway.

I feel Lost like Michael Bublé. But to be honest, I like Ewan McGregor's voice better. They are near twins to my ears, but Mr Moulin Rouge wins every time.



I trusted more than I realized.







"Hate stirs up strife,
Love covers all sin."
-Proverbs

Your Ex-Lover is Dead

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love

Live through this, and you won't look back...

-Stars











"I'm insane. I go to work and I sit in a box like a veal."
-While You Were Sleeping
yes....a veal

I will miss Tim Russert

I cannot think of a news anchor that I liked more. He had the sharp wit of Keith Olbermann, the charm of Brian Williams, and the down-to-earth good nature of Chris Matthews. And apparently he was also simply a uniquely amazing person. The world has lost someone important.

Not for YOUR eyes, guys.

Mi familia is on the hunt for my blog. My sister happened upon it on a random google search of something else. Damn it. You are not even supposed to be able to find it from google. I'm telling you it is a conspiracy. To get me in trouble.

This is probably karma for whining too much. I have got to stop. Emo-ness is for Death Cab kids.

Tragic Manic

I am utterly and completely in a state of shock and depression about Richard Quest. He was the best CNN news anchor ever and now I find out that the reason that he was able to make economic summits so fun and interesting was quite possibly because he was doped up. He was arrested for meth possession in Central Park the other night.

I hope he is fine and returns to entice me into watching reports on european conferences once more.

Becoming Ebert

I saw Prince Caspian tonight and it was perfect for three reasons:

1) Unlike the Lion, the Witch an the Wardrobe, it didn't seem at all like a fake Lord of the Rings or a fake anything else. It was its own movie and it was exciting and sweet.

2) Also unlike the L the W and the W, I couldn't remember the story, so it was much more fun to watch and there was less to judge.

3) Okay, so lets not lie...the story has even more openly religious undertones that Lord of the Rings. But, it avoids the pitfalls of most psuedo-Christian stories and doesn't come across as a moral lesson.

Plus, who doesn't love British kids. Lips better than Angelina Jolie....and, I am sorry but it has to be said: Peter turned out to be HOTT.

That Girl

Just finished watching 27 Dresses. I like that movie for an infinite number of reasons. One of the more cynical reasons is that I am that girl. The one that is always a bridesmaid, never the bride.

Well, not with regard to weddings really. I'm too young to get married just yet, and I haven't ever been a bridesmaid. But you know what I mean. I'm the girl with the terribly gorgeous and charismatic friend. Even my very first boyfriend couldn't help but admire my best friend at the time, saying, "She's like a unicorn. I could never catch her." He didn't say it directly to me, but still...that was the third sign that I needed to dump him. The first was that when we had our first kiss he asked if he could kiss me, which I HATE. And then he went for it while I was talking, so he landed on my tooth. The second was that he got a horrible haircut. But he perfectly illustrates my point. Yes, boys are dumb. But he wasn't as dumb as I will make him out to be if I ever talk about him, and even he seemed to be just as if not more enchanted with my friend as he was with me.

I'm not Jane, I'm Elizabeth. I'm not Mary, I'm Laura. That might not seem too bad, since Elizabeth and Laura are obviously the heroines in their respective stories. But that is only because they have had stories and movies made about them. The girl who is that girl only ever gets a modest happy ending in real life. The blockbuster finale is only a movie mirage.

I suppose that would be fine for me. What worries me is that Josh is that boy. Except in a different way. He is the guy that can get any girl he wants. He has looks, charisma, he's hilarious, and he is cocky enough to convince any girl that deep down she wants him. When we first started dating he told me that he was that guy. He was half joking, but its the truth and I had always known that. I watched him grow up and I saw all the girls come and go. I hear the way people still talk to him. Fathers who would love to hook their daughters up with him. And mothers who wouldn't mind hooking up with him themselves. Female teachers have massaged him. His girlfriend's mother has hit on him. And his exes never seem to let go of him.

He's Emilio Estevez in the Breakfast Club, and Blane in Pretty in Pink.

My issue is not that he's perfect. I would be the first to list his many flaws. Being the less-noticed girl doesn't make me unobservant or doormat-ish at all. I also don't have an issue with being afraid that he doesn't like me since he can have his pick of anyone. I know that he loves me, and its always been like that. Through all the girlfriends. My real issue shouldn't be an issue, but is an issue since I can't seem to let it go....I hate the fact that he is that guy and I am this girl, and there is a power relationship there that is not quite in balance. Well, its there in my head at least.

I am a person who likes drama, yes. And I am jealous by nature. But I think any girl would get a little bit tired of having to deal with exes after six fucking months. He doesn't talk about them that much. But it doesn't matter, because I see the please calls that they have sent him on his phone. That doesn't mean that he did anything wrong at all. He didn't necessarily call them back. I just hate having to wonder if he did. And having to feel like it is so so so unfair that he has these girls who are constantly vying for his attention and making me feel jealous (no Eleanor Roosevelt quotes here, please, or I will cut you), and he doesn't have to feel like he is just another boy in line for my attention or wonder if someday I will answer one of the sms' from one of my numerous admirers.

And can I take a second to talk about how much of a bitch one of his exes is? I actually look forward to the day that I meet her again, so I can finally dish it back to that petite, fakey, two-faced whore. She is exactly the kind of girl that I would do everything in my power to ensure that my daughter does not turn out to be. Let's call her Lacey. I met Lacey when I came here at the age of 17, and she was dating Josh. I tried so hard to get to know her and be nice to her, because I knew that the only way to preserve Josh and my friendship as we got older was to make sure that the new people in his life liked me. She was nice to my face. In an aloof sort of way. Lacey had Josh cut her pizza for her when she came over for dinner, which nearly made me throw up, but I still gave her the benefit of the doubt. And then that little cunt (yes, I'm going all McCain on her ass) had the nerve to tell my 10 year-old little sister to "get the hell out of her way" when nobody else was listening. My sister never did ANYTHING to her. Then, after I left (not to return again for another 4 years) she told Josh's entire family that I was so so mean and had cornered her in a room and told her that I hated her. As if. Josh apparently sort of believed it. Which doesn't say much for him, actually.

Anyway, this is the same biatch that re-declared her love for Josh a couple of months ago. He turned her down. But the point is that I still have to deal with her being in his life. Not by choice maybe. But she is still there. Along with others. And it annoys me. This wouldn't be such an issue if he was not that guy. Or if I were his girl equivalent, instead of being that girl.





"I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich."
-Jane, 27 Dresses