Not having people's phone numbers entered in my new hand-me-down phone is turning out to be ridiculously awkward. All day I was answering the phone and having people invite me places, or ask me questions with me just pretending to know who they were and frantically trying to recognize their voice.
So by the end of the day I had had it with faking recognition. When the last person called when I was at Alki and said "hey how are you?" I immediately was like "Good, and who is this?" When I couldn't hear their response I asked again and the response I got was a very annoyed "YOUR FATHER." Apparently, that is one number that I should have memorized.
Tomorrow night is Spring Cocktail, and the year will then have come full circle. I think I feel a lot more myself now than I have for awhile. This Spring has been difficult, even with all my underreactions to things. But now that Olive's death day has come and passed I am less stressed out about not feeling enough or remembering enough or knowing how to act about everything. There is something uncomfortable about thinking "one year ago my best friend was still alive and kicking." Or rather, not kicking, but at least breathing and talking. I don't know what it is, but knowing that now, a year ago she was dead already makes things seem not so tragic and mysterious. Plus, Relay for Life was good for me this past weekend. I discovered that I can genuinely cry again, which is actually kind of important. It's one of those functions that you don't quite miss until it's gone. And when it is gone, you are stuck feeling abnormal and unfulfilled like a sneeze that doesn't come.
My hair smells like smoke from the fire at the beach. Barbequeing in the rain turned out to be amazing. Hmmm. Novelty.
"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."
-NELSON MANDELA, Long Walk to Freedom
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