Courtesy of Mitch, the Aquarius.

Word of the week: intractable.







"Can't a guy smell some thongs now and then?!"
-the indignant B-hawk, who was indeed smelling Samantha's underwear that she left in the dryer. At least they were clean, right?

Fuck the South

I hate being underage I hate being underage I hate being underage.


I can hardly handle it when I'm in the house all alone. Especially when just a little bit ago there were people swarming all around. And then they ALL disappear to do 21-ish things. I think they do feel somewhat bad for me. B-Hwk was trying to talk with me about how he missed J-Mu's cabin too. And the Jewish one was rubbing my head. I was feeling particularly weird because I took a renegade nap at 8 o'clock and at 9:30 I woke up from a scary nightmare involving my father and the ASUW President who convinced me that this little floor vaccuum cleaner robot was trying to get me. Sounds dumb, but it was quite scary and I'm upset that I had to be alone in our huge house after going through that.

Luckily, though, exactly an hour and a half later, when I had resorted to watching Phil of the Future to cover up my sad/scared mood, EVERYone burst back into the house. Mitch and I wrote passive aggressive notes to put on the thermostat about people constantly turning down the heat, and the Jewish one complained about how Mitch farting recently has completely ruined the idea of girls as sex objects for him. Mitch actually got all riled up and was like "that is SO ignorant!" It was amusing.

It's too bad that I suck at life, cannot study, and will fail my game theory final on Thursday.

Also disappointing is that Hillary Clinton apparently campaigned for Barry Goldwater back in the day. I hope that it was in the 70's or something like that and she was HIGH. That would make it not as bad.


T minus 3 days, and I will be in THE SOUTH!!!!!!






"Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off."
-FucktheSouth.com
Some of the most beautiful prose I have ever read in my life. I wish this person would become the liberal version of Ann Coulter so that Democrats could represent with a fucking backbone....except our version wouldn't be such an evil Soulless bitch.

1. You chew your gum too vigorously

What? Study game theory...for the biggest final of your life?
No, thank you.

Oh, watch 10 Things I Hate About You and eat pizza and drink Mike's Hard Lemonade?
Yes, pleeease.







"Chastity: I know you can be under whelmed, and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be, like, whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe. "
-10 Things
That is like me and the word ness. Well, the word-ending ness.

Put the Lime in the Coconut

The ebola seems to be leaving my system, and I am entirely grateful.

My parents are really dolls. Today they ordered me Chinese food from Baltimore. (That's where they were, not where the food was from.) I hope that if I ever have kids, I will be as nice to them as my parents are to me. Except if I ever get angry at them when they're little, I hope that I don't twist their ears, because that hurts like hell.

I finished my China paper, which I am quite pleased about. 7 pages single-spaced, bitches. Except tomorrow I have to edit 1.5 of those pages completely away. Hmmm. C'est la vie. It wasn't even that painful to write, because I interspersed it with movies. The last Lord of the Rings (extended version, no less), the end of Mission Impossible II, and a History Channel segment on Jonestown. Lord of the Rings made me sad....watch the very end and tell me that you don't feel like crying. They're finally safe, but they can never go back to the lives they used to have, and any life they do have now will feel empty because they have no purpose in life like they used to. Watching the Jonestown bit with B-Hawk was also interesting. It reminded me of how that kid has broken every blender he's ever touched. I remember last year he was making some mixed drink at a polisci party and all of a sudden he's there with his finger on the go button and the thing starts smoking, and he doesn't even stop. And this year as soon as he moved in he broke Samantha's blender. I decided that all curses aside, our house needs a blender, and I am going to bring one back from Spring Break. I am sure that I can convince my parents that a blender would be a positive thing to invest in for me. And B-Hawk will not be able to touch it. I don't know how that relates to Jonestown....maybe the connection between cyanide laced kool-aid and mixed drinks.


If I had a blender I would eat nothing but smoothies. And my leftover Chinese food.






"Phoebe is the kind of girl that I want to marry."
-This is the statement that made me smoke my first and only cigarette. The smoking plan backfired, but everything was okay in the end anyway.

Clearly, I have the HIV

I can't remember the last time I was this sick. It's scary to me when I cough and it feels like there is fully a half-cup of liquid in my lungs. And it burns so much when I try to get it out.

Last night I woke up shaking from a nightmare that wouldn't seem scary to anybody but me. And even once I was awake, I thought that Olive (or rather, her ghost) was in my room. It was a full minute before I could get myself to look over my comforter and confirm that the thing by the door was in fact my Japanese lantern, and not the spirit of my dead best friend.

And on that note, Lord of the Rings made me cry tonight. It wasn't at any of the traditional sad parts either. At the end of the first movie, after Sam catches up to Frodo who was intending to set out alone, Frodo turns to Sam and says "Sam, I am glad that you are with me." It's very lovely and the whole point is that Frodo and Sam are meant to be on this journey together. Well, it made me sad. Because sometimes things just don't work out. And what are you supposed to do if the way things were meant to be is not how they ended up?






"Frodo: It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.
Gandalf: Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends."
-Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Swing Low

"Close your eyes and picture a convict standing in front of you. They're wearing baggy pants and a backwards baseball hat and saying something regular like 'fo shizzle'.
Now open your eyes. Were you picturing a black person?
Because that was a white woman. Shame on you."

-The Office



I'm convinced that Hillary can't win. Puh-lease. Don't go to the South and talk to a church full of blacks and say "nobody ever said that this road awould be easy to walk" blah, blah, blah. It may be a long road, but as a white woman who is worth millions I highly doubt that she is actually walking that particular road, and so it's a pretty bitch move to explain to people who are "walking that road" that nobody ever told them it would be easy. Yes, Jon Stewart made fun of Obama too, but guess what? Obama can pull that shit off.

I was in a meeting today where people were discussing whether U-PASSes will be able to be tracked in the future, and the possible implications for privacy violations and one of the professors says "Well, I don't think it would be good if for instance they could say, 'Oh look, he traveled down to his ex-wife's house a half an hour before she was murdered in her bed.'" And then the whole room was silent for a second, and then everyone started laughing and he goes "Not that I have those issues or anything." It was pretty much hilarious.


I'm sick and gross. I need to sleep.





"You look exotic. Was your father a G.I.?"
-The Office

Eleanor Roosevelt was full of shit.

I would rather have a teen pregnancy than get a tapeworm.

Granted, I shouldn't compare a baby to a parasite. However, tapeworms are temporary, require less of a time commitment (even into taking account the surgery to get one removed), and do not change your entire life. And I would still prefer a baby. Hands down.

My house is full of ridiculous girls. Between four of us we have two ten page papers, one two-page and a four page paper due tomorrow. As of 10 pm, only one of us had started writing, and yet we all sat down to watch Lost, the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Digging yourself into a pit of law/grad school rejects, seems more acceptable if everyone else is doing it. And, to be fair, the Colbert Report was uncharacteristically funny tonight even apart from our utter giddiness.

Amusing thought: Robert says that he always assumed that when I have strands of hair dangling outside of ponytails/half ponies that it is an intentional style thing. I suppose other people think that too. It is actually just a mistake that I am too busy to rectify in my rush to get to class. Today I actually ran part of the way to game theory I was so late. But then, my professor only talked for HALF AN HOUR out of a two-hour review session because we stopped asking questions. Fuck me. So, sickness and all, I went and stood outside the HUB and tabled for an hour and a half. I am the queen of making incredibly poor choices.


On the subject of poor choices, I agree with Jon Stewart that Robert Novak is an ENORMOUS FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. He is further proof to me that most journalists are scum of the earth and look down on the rest of the earth from pedestals made from the ruined lives of undeserving people (like Valerie Plame...and only partially-ruined life, in her case). Deep throat represents the way that investigative journalism should be. Novak getting into bed with the Bush administration represents the way that it most often is.









"Noone can make you feel you inferior without your own consent."

-Eleanor Roosevelt...I think she may have actually said " no man". Still, I don't buy it. When I go on my Spring Break plantation-hopping tour, I will tell the museum people that I think that slaves only felt inferior to their supressors because they themselves made the choice to feel that way. Ha! We'll see how that goes. And even if I did believe a tiny bit of the quotation's intended meaning, I don't think there is ever a circumstance when you could share that bit of insight with a person who is feeling inferior and have any hope of improving the situation.