It is odd how I get so attached to people sometimes. I'm not talking about specific people at all, but rather everyone who I have ever known. Inevitably, everyone who I even appreciate at all as a person, I also come to love in a way. Not the "I heart you" kind of trite facebook wallpost love, but the actual attachment kind where you miss people when they are gone and empathize with them when you know they are having a hard time. This is sad because, apart from a few select people, I know that I always end up caring more about people than they care about me. It obviously doesn't make me jaded enough to stop from caring about people in the first place, but it really is too bad because as an ENFP I need constant reciprocation and affirmation.
On the other hand, however, I continue to amaze myself with the absolute indifference and sometimes repulsion I feel for any boy I have just met that shows interest in me. Here I am not referring to boys that I know well enough to already be facebook friends, because by that point I am generally attached enough to friends that I will consciously miss them after not seeing them for a week to a month, depending on the level of closeness. But people, or rather, boys, who I have literally just met that dance with me or ask me for my number actually make me uncomfortable. I suppose that everyone wants to be seen as attractive, but I hate feeling like I am being wanted for what I look like or the way that I dance (not that I necessarily feel like this a lot).
For instance, at our party last night there was a nice, funny, interesting, good-looking guy who I should have appreciated at least for obviously being interested in me. Instead, I decided that it was altogether too awkward that he could be interested in me without knowing me at all, and I disliked him for it, and refused to consider getting to know him past the bland description that I just gave above.
The other reason I dislike him stems from my ridiculously nerdy tendencies. Who the fuck would write off a person for having an opposing opinion on a miscellaneous Supreme Court decision? Oh wait, that would be me. In all fairness to myself, I do think that Terry v. Ohio is one of the most important cases in the last fifty years. However, it is absolutely astonishing that an off-hand comment about a random case will decide my opinion and the extent of my interaction with someone. Then again, I suppose that off-hand comments have tended to shape my life, so maybe this is not atypical in the grand scheme of my existence, but I think that it is problematic when you consider that this irrational judgemental behavior will probably lead to me dying alone in my house with a bunch of cats. And maybe some puppies. That I would be very attached to.
Ha! There was an incredibly dramatic part of the party that, in retrospect, I enjoyed very much. Some fool on the porch was smoking and I started some relatively low-key argument with him about the likelihood of him getting cancer (I think he actually made me mad initially, though, by trying to get my friend to smoke, or calling me out for not looking happy with him smoking or something). The next thing I know, he is saying that he has more experience with cancer than I will ever have because he's an EMT. Bullshit. But, he wouldn't back down or even agree to disagree after I informed him that my best friend just died of leukemia. Instead, he proved himself a complete fucker by insisting that leukemia is a fairly easy way to die, and preferable to all other forms of cancer and some other forms of death. This made me irate and so I started ranting about reasons that it killed me to watch cancer killing Olive, one of which was that she lost her ability to smile because of partial facial paralysis, which in turn made her lose the ability to become as happy as she could have previously. (Smiling releases chemicals in your brain that make you marginally more happy.) He then said that this was complete bullshit, no matter what I had read, heard from doctors, or saw my best friend experience.
I definitely wish that I had used my virgin slap on him. Because I will probably have to wait a long time for someone who is as or more raving then this unfortunate human being. C'est la vie. All I did was walk back into the house, slamming the door so that the house shook and the entire party probably wondered what was going on.
This all sounds very upsetting, and it was at the time. I actually started crying. But then Caddie and Kay came and did an amazing 120-second job of comforting me to the point where I was completely fine. I was made even more "fine" by the fact that Caddie got her boyfriend to kick the assinine guy out of the party. Apparently he put up a little bit of argument after being told to leave and Caddie's boyfriend pushed him. I saw the rest through the window, which involved Caddie trying to hold Jordan back and his shirt ripping, and the guy trying to argue still, while Jordan ripped off the rest of his shirt and stood there. I swear to God they almost actually fought. I would never want Jordan to get into a fight, but I enjoyed the fact that the douche bag guy had to suffer the humiliation of getting kicked out of a party and having to walk away or else risk getting completely annihilated in a fight with Jordan.
All in all, it was a good night. Especially the fact that everyone dressed up. I love everyone who came. Except for the Terry v. Ohio guy (poor kid) and the "leukemia is not that bad" EMT jerk.
And the music rocked. I think its hilarious that people were so excited about dancing to N*Sync and the Spice Girls when it was mixed in with the hip hop and 80's. Heart!
"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
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