Emo like Clove Cigarettes.

I'm having a hard time recently and I don't know why. Little by little I am actually falling completely apart. I haven't even contacted my thesis advisor in weeks. I haven't declared for graduation and the deadline is this Friday. I don't know where I will live in South Africa next year or what exactly I will be doing. I don't study hardly at all. But I don't really party a lot or have that much fun.

This is not me. I have never in my life been so not on top of things. I've always been lacking in punctuality, etc., but never in responsibility and drive.

The biggest thing that worries me is that I'm getting sad. Only for a few nights now, and not ever during the day, but it scares me. I don't want to have to deal with now what I completely bypassed last year. I'm a bounce-back kind of girl, right? So why do I suddenly feel all alone? Did I just have more people to surround myself with last year, and now they've gone away? It's not just Olive, though. I am all of a sudden missing my family too. Easter was odd, being in my Grandmother's house with only Chloe, when I'm used to being completely surrounded by relatives there. I miss that. Whatever happened to holidays? And, while I'm at it, I miss my childhood. It just slipped away while I was writing essay after essay.

This weekend my grandmother accidentally mentioned something about my mom having depression for awhile in high school. I know that is not that big of a deal, and it doesn't mean anything now, but it shocked me because I had never heard anything about it before from my mom. I guess it isn't the sort of thing that comes up randomly like "Oh, btw kids, when I was a senior, I was depressed." But still...you would think that at some point during the 19 years we have spent together, my mom would've mentioned something about it. Like last May after Olive died, or during last summer when I was all alone in Baltimore. It feels awkward to me that my mother intentionally kept something like that from me. If it never came up, she obviously didn't want me to know, and why would she not? I don't think that I'm prying into her private life by wanting to know. I feel like kids have a right to know about their parents lives.

Why do I feel like crying?




PS- Nobody should ever date me. I have a lot of baggage, and I am a little girl. Plus I get hurt a lot, so you would have to deal with a lot of band-aids and neosporin. It's probably not worth it. I also blush too easily. It gets ridiculous.