Cop Out

I didn't fight Ted.


Argh. And I was all prepared to at least have words with him today. Its just that there were only four waiters at work and so he had an opportunity to talk to all of us, and was doing so in quite a friendly manner. I just couldn't flip out at him while he was being so congenial.

I still am not impressed with him, mind you. The statements he makes expose a pompousness that is so unattractive that I will not sully the sex appeal of the term cocky by applying it to Ted.

Here is a faithful account of his misdeeds of today:

1) He said that Twilight was "one of the most horrible movies ever made." Get over yourself. Twilight is a movie made for teen girls or for people who have enjoyed the book series. It does not claim to be mindblowing or even understandable to people who do not fit into either of those categories. And even then, Twilight far surpassed other film adaptations of "kids books". The last few Harry Potter movies for instance have been legendary for the schizo plots and bad angsty teen acting. By contrast, Twilight was riveting and endearing.

Pshaw. Ted said that the only movies he's ever walked out of were Twilight and Starsky and Hutch. Whatever. I have seen much worse. I mean how can you sit through Anchorman (yes, I know its ragingly popular), which has about as much wit as a 20-second sex joke, and feel compelled to walk out of Starsky and Hutch, which is actually funny.


2) He has worked at the restaurant exactly one and a half weeks and today he tells me "oh yeah, we have been trying to get the music in the Loco dining room to match the music in the Alonso's dining room." We?!?! We who? Him and management? I am so sure. Furthermore that is the oddest statement because Loco plays Mexican music and Alonso's plays slightly passe pop...making them match would entail switching them altogether.

When I asked him about it he said, "you know, we've been trying to find the Alonso's station and start playing it in Loco." First of all, I am fairly positive that the manager/owner does NOT want Loco to be playing pop or it already would be. Second of all, if they did want to play the Alonso's station in Loco the managers could do so easily because they know what station they play in each restaurant and they can simply use the Loco music controller to tune the fuck into the same little numbers that are on the front of the Alonso's music controller.

Lunatic. At this point I am figuring out that half of what he says is a crock of bullshit. "We" my ass.

3)He spoke to me in a very condescending manner about how this is my first job in a restaurant and how he has worked in the industry for years. Good riddance. That should make it embarrassing that I get way more tips that he does. Probably because I am way cuter as a result of not having a chipped tooth!

On the other hand, he does drive a scooter.


I will let this go for now, I suppose. But if he stands in front of my face one more time, I will address that shit immediately.




"I like your hair. It's a little 80's, a little I don't care."
-Beizing

Sleeplessness

I live in a state of near constant stress. Its really ridiculous. I will probably die early from some sort of system break down because of it.

I stress about everything. And when things go wrong it feels like the end of the world to me. I am a big fan of making dramatic statements like "I should just kill myself!" or "this is the worst day of my life" much to the chagrin of my mother and Chloe. And its not that I really believe either of those things...its just that I really experience stress so strongly that I need a verbal outlet for my inner turmoil.

And its not like I haven't been proven right time and time again that where there is any opportunity for things to go wrong they will. You only visit South Africa once every 4 years and you're coming this year? Whoops, your family there is magically taking a vacay to Ireland and will not be seeing you. You have the first polisci exam of your life and show up at the time posted on MYUW? Poor you, the exam was at a different time and you missed it. You paid 50 dollars in wire transfers and school fees to order a transcript to be sent from UCT to LSAC three months ago? Time will slide by and countless office people will assure you on the phone that they sent it, but it will never arrive.


Argh. But the thing is, in the end everything does work out to some extent, which makes all my sleepless nights tossing and turning in bed useless......Hmmmm, or is it my sensitivity to stress that enables me to take control of impossible situations and ensure the eventual production of solutions? Perhaps. I would prefer to think of it that way, I guess. But I would also prefer to stop stressing and enjoy life once in awhile without having to use my expert denial skills to push away my underlying feelings of impending doom.


Well anyway, I am happy tonight because in the throws of insomnia I had the bright idea to call UCT about my transcript once again, and they told me that the courier service I ordered finally picked up my package. Ahoy! Aaaand, then I called the courier service and they said that it is already in Pennsylvania and it will arrive tomorrow. I am excessively relieved.

But I swear they must inject those cough drops with caffeine because I still can't manage even a hint of a doze.


Maybe I should paint my nails.

Go to Hell

I am filled with rage.

And if things continue everyone at work will find out that I am not the naive push-over that they assume that I am. I have been exceedingly polite since I started this job. I am polite to all the staff because everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. And whenever another staff member was rude to me I would just ignore them until the chaos passed (at the restaurant people are usually only rude when we are in a state of panic trying to feed two dining rooms full of Roland Park high rollers).

That being said, I am about to snap. There is a boy at work....let's call him Ted. Scrappy kid, that one. He got hired about two weeks ago. So, compared to me he is very very very new. And yet, he hasn't hesitated to blatantly disrespect me no less that four times. He's worse than fucking Judas! Well, aside from the fact that he didn't pretend to respect me in the first place.

First day on the job after three days of training he shows up with a black eye. Apparently he got into a bar fight when some "crazy chick" attacked him. He also is small and wiry and has a chipped tooth which I don't doubt that he got in a similar situation. His physical abnormalities, however, serve to endear him to most of the staff, and he accounts his misfortunes with hilarity. By his second day on the job he gained familiarity with some of the main waitresses, some of whom still don't seem to like me...hmph.

This brings us to Slight #1:

We are all standing in a haphazard semicircle around the waiters' booth at the back of the restaurant. He walks up. There are plenty of openings in the circle for him to stand and plenty walls and surfaces for him to lean on like the rest of us are. Instead, Ted decides that it would be great fun to stand directly in front of me, cutting me out of the circle and forcing me to stare at the back of his ugly head.

Slight #2:

Ted does that exact same thing. He comes and stands in such a way that focuses the attention in the group on him and forces me out.

There is no way that this could be accidental twice in a row. Even if he wasn't actively trying to offend me, he could not have behaved in such a way repeatedly without having no regard fro me as a person. He clearly believes that I don't deserve basic respect....not even the respect that one would afford a coworker, but the respect that you afford other human beings. Fucker.

Slight #3:

I am discussing with the other waitresses which chores I prefer to do if I have to be one of the two closers at the end of the night. I share that I prefer sweeping and mopping because even if the task as a whole is longer than the alternative (vacuuming) you can start while the last customers are still in the restaurant and thus have a chance of finishing ahead of the waiter who must vacuum.

Ted interrupts and says, "No you can't start sweeping and mopping while customers are still here." Excuse me?! You have never even closed before. You were hired last week. Why would you think that you know what I can or cannot do?!?! And if you think I'm wrong, why would you think that you can contradict me having just met me and knowing that I have worked at the restaurant 5 months longer than your sorry ass.

What a jerk off.


Slight # 4:

Ted fucking stands directly in front of my face one more time.




Why did I not say anything to him when he physically blocked me out three times? I don't know. I have given this much thought. And as far as I can remember I was embarrassed when it happened. I felt awkward that a new person could feel enough power over me to cut me out of a conversation with my coworkers, and that the coworkers didn't notice/mind at all. When I feel personally slighted I tend to experience hurt before anger. And I think that is why I did not directly address the problem that night.

But. I am very angry now. More angry than I have been at anybody in a long long time. And Ted has another thing coming if he thinks that he can disrespect me again without consequences. If he crosses me again, which I think is inevitable for a person of his level of intellect and morality, I will not only ensure that he is humiliated in front of the other restaurant staff, I will also fuck him up if he does not offer a genuine apology. I know you think that I will never actually confront him on a physical level and that I am just writing to make myself feel better. But, if I have to, I swear I will beat his ass. Just like the girl in the bar that gave him that black eye.

Good riddance. I hate that scrawny, worthless, fake, disresepctful motherfucker.

Waitressing Wiles

Today was a shit storm.

In addition to having WWIII waged in my throat while I was at work, I also had to sit through a nonconsensual blind date.

A certain waitress at my work has been going on for months about how she wants to hook me up with her brother because he would "treat me like gold" and because "he owns a house" and "likes naive girls" and "wants to settle down". Can you say, "not at all a turn on"? And, for most of that time I was dating Josh anyway and had no desire to look elsewhere. And now that Josh and I are no longer dating I am still 100% NOT interested in being hooked up with someone's 27 year-old brother. I made myself clear on that point too.

Yet, while the two of us were working today this waitress misled her brother into driving all the way to the restaurant to sit in the waiters' booth with us and make me awkward. Damn it, I couldn't even escape after a polite period of time because I was on the clock!

And its not like he was unattractive or anything, but 27 is much too old for me. I already look like I am 15, so if I ever dated this guy it would look like I was out with a big bro slash pedophile. Which, with me, is sometimes unavoidable, but still...

Anyway, it was so thoroughly awkward that I could feel cortisol pumping through my veins the entire time.

Here are some little nuggets from the conversation:

Her: "Hey bro, did I tell you that Phoebe won the Miss Congeniality award at work?"

Him: "No you didn't, but she doesn't seem that congenial....yet."


Me: [dropping silverware] "shit."

Him: "Ooh, when you told me about her on the phone you told me that she didn't have a foul mouth."

Them: [talking in another language together]

I didn't know whether to be more upset that he thought an inadvertent "shit" qualified me as having a foul mouth or that she had obviously said that I was too naive/prudish to swear, which is so typical of everyone at the restaurant.

It was odd and completely blush-worthy. Luckily he got the hint and left. But I still felt dirty afterwards. And it didn't help that every sentence he said to or about me sounded like he had meant for it to end with "in bed".




"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiicoolaaaaaaa."
-A commercial

Pobre Sita

There is napalm in my throat and it ignites every time I swallow (no crude jokes). Do you think they will let me take work off if I am not able to sleep?

The answer is no.


Oh, and I have to fight a boy at work. So I'm finally going to buy that mace I've been talking about.

We sing. We dance. We steal things.

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

D-d-do do you, but do you, d-d-do
But do you want to come on
Scooch on over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Come on and open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours

So please don't, there's no need
There's no need to complicate
'Cause our time is short
This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours

Stream of Conscience

They say that people are wired to do evil. Humans are egocentric and selfish above all other traits. And that personal survival (or that of our genes) is our most innate and ingrained motive for any type of action.

As far as evolution goes, that's probably true. The species that have survived over millions of years are those that best protect their genetic code through self-preservation, altruism or whatever worked best.

I'm not stupid. And I believe in evolution, survival of the fittest, etc. But we've come to a new dawn in civilization. Survival of the fittest has a far different meaning than it did. It's not about physical strength or mental prowess anymore. In the first world at least, the competition for survival does not determine who will live long enough to have offspring, it determines who will live the longest and whose offspring will have a better chance of securing placement within the ruling class.

Survival instincts have become obsolete in determining true survival.

But what are underneath these basic self-serving tendencies are another far more interesting set of traits. We have come so far past considering basic survival that the concern of the modern world is preserving one's own happiness...whatever that means. Clearly, amassing enough wealth to ensure the comfortable existence of all kin is one of the first steps to happiness. But then what?

I think what we will find is that humans are all wired similarly. Whether it is in our genes or in some more elusive general conscience, after everything else, a certain level of charity is absolutely required in order to be happy. I don't think it is a choice to have moral instincts, I don't think it runs counter to our basic make-up. I don't even think that anyone in the entire world can be satisfied living a life that doesn't include compassion.

It is a fact of life that you will never be happy if you concentrate only on yourself or your family. Even psychiatrists will say that the best way to recover from loss is to take care of someone else. To make yourself concerned with the well-being of some one not wholly connected to you.

This has been very long-winded and not all that focused....not very groundbreaking at all. But what I mean to say is that I firmly believe that while humans may have selfish instincts, having them is no excuse for acting on them. And that in the end, we have just as strong instincts for generosity. You cannot be happy without being somewhat selfless at times (though that makes the word selfless somewhat less applicable, I think it still applies because even if people benefit internally from acts of kindness, that is never a strong enough motivation for initiating the act initially). And in a world so focused on attaining a sexy, sensual state of nirvana it is inevitable that a lucky portion of society will evolve to incorporate compassion and charity into their general state of existence.



A lot of people wonder who I think will go to heaven. People ask me if I am a traditional Christian in an effort to test whether I have the cojones to tell them that I think that they (as a non-Christian) are going to hell. But that is not necessarily the traditional Christian belief....and, in any case, I am not a traditional Christian. I do believe in heaven and perhaps in hell too. But, I think that who goes to heaven and hell is a decision completely devoid of any litmus test that mere mortals would comprehend. If I had to guess, though. Based on what I believe. I would say that in addition to and in conjunction with the "traditional Christian" notion of belief saving you, acts are equally important. And the lucky portion of society that is able to include goodwill as a staple of life will be saved too.

And, while I'm at it, I don't think that simple belief will necessarily save anyone. Most, yes. But not all those who claim faith. Because belief cannot be genuine in a life devoid of selflessness. Acts are meaningful without explicit belief, but belief without action does little more than give Christianity a bad name.

"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."
James 2:26


People have overlooked the significance of James for far too long.