Brody Jenner is seriously cute. Overrated perhaps, but definitely my celebreality crush.
"Her mom was illiterate so when she filled out the Birth Certificate she just wrote random letters like 'xyaggersch'. But the daughter's name was actually Tangerine, because the mom liked how that sounded. So on the first day of school every year the teacher would get to her name and be like 'umm, x-yag-ge...' and she would be like 'oh, its Tangerine."
-Contessadora's dinner table monologue. I don't know where she gets this stuff,
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Oh My God.
I have just noticed that I have a tiny chip out of my front tooth. Fuck. I should probably just shoot myself now.
.........
I am about as depressed as I get. You think a lack of happiness would just make me feel neutral, but no...I feel distinctly terrible. I have nothing in the immediate future to look forward to other than spending my one day off doing taxes, applying for student loans/scholarships/financial aid, going to the bank, and removing the two feet worth of junk off my bedroom floor by 8pm so that it doesn't get confiscated by my father (yes, I am ten years old). And then I have a week of work. I think my next day off may be next-next Friday.
Josh called this morning. It is difficult for me to remember exactly what was said because the phone woke me up and I was fighting to be conscious enough to communicate for most of the conversation. What I do remember is that he said he is leaving for Australia on February 18th. From there who knows if I will hear from him again since he won't have my phone number and I won't have his. And email would be an option but he told me point blank that he will not write to me because in my last email (I have been writing to him about once every three weeks since we broke up and he has never responded), I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear...which was that I miss him and can't live without him. And then he said that he had to go.
The only thing that I am remotely happy about at the moment is that tonight at work another waitress completely out of nowhere told me that after seeing Ted and I arguing last week she thought I could definitely take Ted in a fight. That pleases me.
But I still feel like crying. Seriously. What is there to look forward to at all? When I was in high school I loved my life. I would literally tear up sometimes when I went to bed at night because I was so excited to wake up the next day and live. I would listen to Jimmy Eat World at two in the morning and feel absolutely blissful. School was easy and we had so much extra time on our hands that we spent all day playing silly games, having water-drinking contests and stealing things like giant globes just to see if we could put them back without getting caught. We would wake up hours before school to bike there in the freezing cold, sometimes making huge chalk murals for our friends on the way. I still had my angsty days, but it was the exciting kind of angst that Lit songs were about. My biggest worry then was that my new boyfriend wouldn't like me quite as much when he found out about my obsession with all things Disney.
I don't know what happened to me. I don't know where my essence went. I am crossing my fingers that it didn't disappear on May 2nd 2006. Maybe that was more my loss of innocence slash trust in the world, yada yada, that went away then. Anyway, I am not even upset about how emo I sound right now because I feel way too shitty to even care.......and THAT is truly disturbing.
Josh called this morning. It is difficult for me to remember exactly what was said because the phone woke me up and I was fighting to be conscious enough to communicate for most of the conversation. What I do remember is that he said he is leaving for Australia on February 18th. From there who knows if I will hear from him again since he won't have my phone number and I won't have his. And email would be an option but he told me point blank that he will not write to me because in my last email (I have been writing to him about once every three weeks since we broke up and he has never responded), I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear...which was that I miss him and can't live without him. And then he said that he had to go.
The only thing that I am remotely happy about at the moment is that tonight at work another waitress completely out of nowhere told me that after seeing Ted and I arguing last week she thought I could definitely take Ted in a fight. That pleases me.
But I still feel like crying. Seriously. What is there to look forward to at all? When I was in high school I loved my life. I would literally tear up sometimes when I went to bed at night because I was so excited to wake up the next day and live. I would listen to Jimmy Eat World at two in the morning and feel absolutely blissful. School was easy and we had so much extra time on our hands that we spent all day playing silly games, having water-drinking contests and stealing things like giant globes just to see if we could put them back without getting caught. We would wake up hours before school to bike there in the freezing cold, sometimes making huge chalk murals for our friends on the way. I still had my angsty days, but it was the exciting kind of angst that Lit songs were about. My biggest worry then was that my new boyfriend wouldn't like me quite as much when he found out about my obsession with all things Disney.
I don't know what happened to me. I don't know where my essence went. I am crossing my fingers that it didn't disappear on May 2nd 2006. Maybe that was more my loss of innocence slash trust in the world, yada yada, that went away then. Anyway, I am not even upset about how emo I sound right now because I feel way too shitty to even care.......and THAT is truly disturbing.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
No Sex in the City
There were once five mixed up girls*....
Mulan had never been one who spent a lot of time talking or thinking about boys. Up until this year when everything fell into place. After a confusingly close friendship turned crush that dwindled when a certain party decided to opt for a girl three years younger than himself, another close friend (closer in proximity than in intimacy) presented himself. He was sensitive and sweet, not pushy at all, and a good kisser. The only question was whether Mulan reciprocated his feelings. And she couldn't tell herself. After countless hours of soul-searching she decided that she did "like like" him and she would consent to being his girlfriend. From there it was a bouquet of roses, a couple of dates, some making out and an "I love you" (on his part). But will this actually be happily ever after? Can there be equality in a relationship where one member initiated said relationship and popped the L-word super fast while the other member is just settling into the idea of being along for this type of ride?
Meanwhile, Ella was feeling quite the opposite. Instead of doubting her own feelings while being pursued, she doubted whether her Prince Charming had any feelings for her. Like Mulan, Ella's crush was a close friend which posed considerable problems. It was near impossible for her to tell whether his actions with regard to her were standard for a friendship of their kind or whether he was subtly venturing into straight-up flirtation. Also complicating the matter was the fact that Ella had it on good authority that a mutual friend of theirs was interested in her. Could this be preventing her crush from making a move? Was she obligated to give up pursuit of her crush so as to not hurt the feelings of the friend that liked her?
Belle was having similar problems with boys. She also had once liked--and if she was being honest, still did like--a friend of hers. However, the situation seemed much too precarious for action. Belle predicted that a happy ending was unlikely and she valued her friendship too much to risk ruining it with awkwardness, and so she analyzed much and did nothing. She was, however, slightly worried that her friend Aurora was interested in this same boy, which would inevitably spell disaster for all parties involved. At the same time, she became distracted by a boy that she worked with. While he didn't seem like her ideal type, he was easy to get along with and he never failed to make her laugh. Once again though, it was quite difficult to know whether he paid this much attention to all girls or whether Belle was special. Should Belle put effort into the pursuit of work boy and forget about her friendcrush who was much more "her type", should she do the opposite, or should she wait it out for someone (or no one) to come to her?
Aurora was at a different point in her life. She was quite satisfied with her lack of angsty-ness at the moment. After being in two serious relationships, she was enjoying the feeling of being "up for grabs". She was at peace with her most recent ex and had no strong feelings for anyone at the moment....but had definite interest in a number of boy-possibilities. It was exhilarating to sit back and wait to be approached by boys, and then have the opportunity to try them out for fun even if she wasn't initially interested in them. Aurora felt as if she had matured eons in the past couple years, and this pleased her greatly. What also pleased her was that she had stepped waaay out of her comfort zone and replied to a cute personal ad on Craigslist. Creepy, maybe, but the ad's author sounded witty and intelligent and had basically described HER in his ad. So Aurora had responded just for kicks. Now they regularly corresponded. Was Aurora ready for another relationship? Could she and Craigslist boy be mtb? Or was it time to relax and be single?
Ariel was another character entirely. Ella liked her quite a bit and thought her to be similar to herself. Belle was also ready to approve of Ariel, but was also somewhat threatened by Ariel's pizzazz and magnetism. However, the primary potential for conflict lay between Ella and Ariel who both liked the same boy (though he certainly had little or no knowledge of either girl's feelings). Ariel, having recently been made aware of Ella's interest in the same boy, worried that pursuit of said boy would result in girl-conflict that was to be avoided at all costs. Ariel was reasonable with regard to boys, and she and Ella were certainly not sorority sister types where "hands off mutual crushes" rules applied, but the ho's over bros mentality still ran deep and prevented her from serious strategizing. Should Ariel back off from her crush or risk her friendship with Ella to pursue him?
*Code names have been replaced with new code names for a double-blind dose of anonymity.
"Paul, what do you think five across is? The clue is "very close" and it is five letters long."
-Me
"Hmmm, what about "having sex at that exact moment"? Whoops, I guess that's too long....I can't work on this crossword anymore. It is just sitting there humiliating me."
-Paul, my late 50's waiter/lawyer homie
Mulan had never been one who spent a lot of time talking or thinking about boys. Up until this year when everything fell into place. After a confusingly close friendship turned crush that dwindled when a certain party decided to opt for a girl three years younger than himself, another close friend (closer in proximity than in intimacy) presented himself. He was sensitive and sweet, not pushy at all, and a good kisser. The only question was whether Mulan reciprocated his feelings. And she couldn't tell herself. After countless hours of soul-searching she decided that she did "like like" him and she would consent to being his girlfriend. From there it was a bouquet of roses, a couple of dates, some making out and an "I love you" (on his part). But will this actually be happily ever after? Can there be equality in a relationship where one member initiated said relationship and popped the L-word super fast while the other member is just settling into the idea of being along for this type of ride?
Meanwhile, Ella was feeling quite the opposite. Instead of doubting her own feelings while being pursued, she doubted whether her Prince Charming had any feelings for her. Like Mulan, Ella's crush was a close friend which posed considerable problems. It was near impossible for her to tell whether his actions with regard to her were standard for a friendship of their kind or whether he was subtly venturing into straight-up flirtation. Also complicating the matter was the fact that Ella had it on good authority that a mutual friend of theirs was interested in her. Could this be preventing her crush from making a move? Was she obligated to give up pursuit of her crush so as to not hurt the feelings of the friend that liked her?
Belle was having similar problems with boys. She also had once liked--and if she was being honest, still did like--a friend of hers. However, the situation seemed much too precarious for action. Belle predicted that a happy ending was unlikely and she valued her friendship too much to risk ruining it with awkwardness, and so she analyzed much and did nothing. She was, however, slightly worried that her friend Aurora was interested in this same boy, which would inevitably spell disaster for all parties involved. At the same time, she became distracted by a boy that she worked with. While he didn't seem like her ideal type, he was easy to get along with and he never failed to make her laugh. Once again though, it was quite difficult to know whether he paid this much attention to all girls or whether Belle was special. Should Belle put effort into the pursuit of work boy and forget about her friendcrush who was much more "her type", should she do the opposite, or should she wait it out for someone (or no one) to come to her?
Aurora was at a different point in her life. She was quite satisfied with her lack of angsty-ness at the moment. After being in two serious relationships, she was enjoying the feeling of being "up for grabs". She was at peace with her most recent ex and had no strong feelings for anyone at the moment....but had definite interest in a number of boy-possibilities. It was exhilarating to sit back and wait to be approached by boys, and then have the opportunity to try them out for fun even if she wasn't initially interested in them. Aurora felt as if she had matured eons in the past couple years, and this pleased her greatly. What also pleased her was that she had stepped waaay out of her comfort zone and replied to a cute personal ad on Craigslist. Creepy, maybe, but the ad's author sounded witty and intelligent and had basically described HER in his ad. So Aurora had responded just for kicks. Now they regularly corresponded. Was Aurora ready for another relationship? Could she and Craigslist boy be mtb? Or was it time to relax and be single?
Ariel was another character entirely. Ella liked her quite a bit and thought her to be similar to herself. Belle was also ready to approve of Ariel, but was also somewhat threatened by Ariel's pizzazz and magnetism. However, the primary potential for conflict lay between Ella and Ariel who both liked the same boy (though he certainly had little or no knowledge of either girl's feelings). Ariel, having recently been made aware of Ella's interest in the same boy, worried that pursuit of said boy would result in girl-conflict that was to be avoided at all costs. Ariel was reasonable with regard to boys, and she and Ella were certainly not sorority sister types where "hands off mutual crushes" rules applied, but the ho's over bros mentality still ran deep and prevented her from serious strategizing. Should Ariel back off from her crush or risk her friendship with Ella to pursue him?
*Code names have been replaced with new code names for a double-blind dose of anonymity.
"Paul, what do you think five across is? The clue is "very close" and it is five letters long."
-Me
"Hmmm, what about "having sex at that exact moment"? Whoops, I guess that's too long....I can't work on this crossword anymore. It is just sitting there humiliating me."
-Paul, my late 50's waiter/lawyer homie
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wine and Basketball
That's how I spent tonight. It would have been superb except that the Huskies lost to Arizona. Yes, that would be the team with the guy who got his face stepped on last week. All I have to say is that I think Lute Olson was overrated, and I think U of A fans are in general freaking annoying.
Other than that little bit of excitement, everything is droll. I am thoroughly unsatisfied with the everyday experience of living because I don't have anything to look forward to except the end of the workday. And all that happens then is that I get to go home and eat real food and watch The OC. And as much as Adam Brody lights up my day, its just not cutting it.
On the upside, I absolutely love being depressed and then realizing that life is not really that bad, its just PMS. Then you can actually stop being depressed and help yourself to some chocolate and wine. I know I have mentioned that before, but it bears repeating because there are few other realizations in life that give me as much pleasure. Its like being awfully awfully sick. The kind where you actually would rather be unconscious or dead (possibly). And then when you start feeling better and returning to a neutral state, the lack of pain actually feels euphoric rather than just ordinary. Its all about perspective.
"If I were on one of these basketball teams I would be great at free throws. I would do 300 hundred a week to practice. You would see me walk to the line and just know that there are two points right there. None of this John Brockman stuff. I would be so good at my free throws. I would be like perfect. Every time."
-My mother
Other than that little bit of excitement, everything is droll. I am thoroughly unsatisfied with the everyday experience of living because I don't have anything to look forward to except the end of the workday. And all that happens then is that I get to go home and eat real food and watch The OC. And as much as Adam Brody lights up my day, its just not cutting it.
On the upside, I absolutely love being depressed and then realizing that life is not really that bad, its just PMS. Then you can actually stop being depressed and help yourself to some chocolate and wine. I know I have mentioned that before, but it bears repeating because there are few other realizations in life that give me as much pleasure. Its like being awfully awfully sick. The kind where you actually would rather be unconscious or dead (possibly). And then when you start feeling better and returning to a neutral state, the lack of pain actually feels euphoric rather than just ordinary. Its all about perspective.
"If I were on one of these basketball teams I would be great at free throws. I would do 300 hundred a week to practice. You would see me walk to the line and just know that there are two points right there. None of this John Brockman stuff. I would be so good at my free throws. I would be like perfect. Every time."
-My mother
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Nanny Diary
This is the most tiring job I have ever had. I always enjoyed babysitting when I was younger, but I had never known what it was like to keep a 4 year-old and a two year-old entertained for nine hours a day. Thats not to say that I don't enjoy any of it. There are definitely moments that make me happy. When the younger one rests his little forehead against mine, or when the older one counted to ten correctly on his own for the first time. But that doesn't erase the mental exhaustion that overcomes me after an entire day of imaginary play with Tigers and ghosts and cars.
Things they say:
"Daddy-o."
-According to those two, that is their father's official name.
"Aah-scream"
-That would be ice cream.
"Your head is not as big as our old babysitter's."
-Flattery or insult?
"Why are you so nice?"
-Hmph. So even toddlers think I am overly congenial. And I don't even let them watch tv.
"Stink-a-boo."
-Code for peek-a-boo."
"Uh-uh."
-Probably. People look at me so oddly when I ask the little guy if he wants a snack and then give it to him after he says "uh-uh".
"You should cut your hair."
-Perceptive buggers.
Jimmy Carter was super fly on The Daily Show last night.
Things they say:
"Daddy-o."
-According to those two, that is their father's official name.
"Aah-scream"
-That would be ice cream.
"Your head is not as big as our old babysitter's."
-Flattery or insult?
"Why are you so nice?"
-Hmph. So even toddlers think I am overly congenial. And I don't even let them watch tv.
"Stink-a-boo."
-Code for peek-a-boo."
"Uh-uh."
-Probably. People look at me so oddly when I ask the little guy if he wants a snack and then give it to him after he says "uh-uh".
"You should cut your hair."
-Perceptive buggers.
Jimmy Carter was super fly on The Daily Show last night.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Inauguration
It was amazing. Cold, but people were packed so close that the iciness couldn't really seep in.
It took us over three hours to walk from Union Station to the Washington Monument because the streets were literally more crowded than a mosh pit. But when we did get there it was craziness. People screamed and cheered as soon as they saw anyone remotely favored. Colin Powell, the Clintons, Jimmy Carter, the Bidens and, of course, the Obamas. Bush got looooud boo's and then everyone saying "Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na hey hey hey goodbye." And then again as Bush's helicopter flew him safely away from the Whitehouse. It was like the scene at the end of Dick, only we were all wearing four pairs of pants instead of cute flag bikinis and flares.
And then there was a loooong poem and a rhyming prayer. John Stewart was not exaggerating in the least when he said that the one-two combination of those cleared the mall in about 60 seconds.
"To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it."
-President Obama
It took us over three hours to walk from Union Station to the Washington Monument because the streets were literally more crowded than a mosh pit. But when we did get there it was craziness. People screamed and cheered as soon as they saw anyone remotely favored. Colin Powell, the Clintons, Jimmy Carter, the Bidens and, of course, the Obamas. Bush got looooud boo's and then everyone saying "Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na hey hey hey goodbye." And then again as Bush's helicopter flew him safely away from the Whitehouse. It was like the scene at the end of Dick, only we were all wearing four pairs of pants instead of cute flag bikinis and flares.
And then there was a loooong poem and a rhyming prayer. John Stewart was not exaggerating in the least when he said that the one-two combination of those cleared the mall in about 60 seconds.
"To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it."
-President Obama
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