.........

I am about as depressed as I get. You think a lack of happiness would just make me feel neutral, but no...I feel distinctly terrible. I have nothing in the immediate future to look forward to other than spending my one day off doing taxes, applying for student loans/scholarships/financial aid, going to the bank, and removing the two feet worth of junk off my bedroom floor by 8pm so that it doesn't get confiscated by my father (yes, I am ten years old). And then I have a week of work. I think my next day off may be next-next Friday.

Josh called this morning. It is difficult for me to remember exactly what was said because the phone woke me up and I was fighting to be conscious enough to communicate for most of the conversation. What I do remember is that he said he is leaving for Australia on February 18th. From there who knows if I will hear from him again since he won't have my phone number and I won't have his. And email would be an option but he told me point blank that he will not write to me because in my last email (I have been writing to him about once every three weeks since we broke up and he has never responded), I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear...which was that I miss him and can't live without him. And then he said that he had to go.

The only thing that I am remotely happy about at the moment is that tonight at work another waitress completely out of nowhere told me that after seeing Ted and I arguing last week she thought I could definitely take Ted in a fight. That pleases me.

But I still feel like crying. Seriously. What is there to look forward to at all? When I was in high school I loved my life. I would literally tear up sometimes when I went to bed at night because I was so excited to wake up the next day and live. I would listen to Jimmy Eat World at two in the morning and feel absolutely blissful. School was easy and we had so much extra time on our hands that we spent all day playing silly games, having water-drinking contests and stealing things like giant globes just to see if we could put them back without getting caught. We would wake up hours before school to bike there in the freezing cold, sometimes making huge chalk murals for our friends on the way. I still had my angsty days, but it was the exciting kind of angst that Lit songs were about. My biggest worry then was that my new boyfriend wouldn't like me quite as much when he found out about my obsession with all things Disney.

I don't know what happened to me. I don't know where my essence went. I am crossing my fingers that it didn't disappear on May 2nd 2006. Maybe that was more my loss of innocence slash trust in the world, yada yada, that went away then. Anyway, I am not even upset about how emo I sound right now because I feel way too shitty to even care.......and THAT is truly disturbing.