Lost

I am feeling kind of fed up with the speed of life. It seems like no matter where I am I am both rushed and left behind at the same time. I know that some people find my level of inexperience or rather lack of experiences as cute or innocent and lots of times I don't want to let on about it because I'm scared of people judging me or calling me naive. But there's also another part of me...a big part, actually, that wishes I was somewhat less experienced.

The problem is that I care too much about what other people think or what point that I should be at in my life and then I don't stop and pay attention to what I think and what point I am actually at. And what I think is that as much as I like boys and boyfriends and intimacy and as much as I like moving quickly because I'm impatient like no other, what I need is things to slow waaay down. In reality I am a little girl. I never want people to think I am which is why I will try not to act like it....even to the point where Josh was disappointed/intimidated by my nonchalantness and other people just didn't realize how "young" I was. And that led to me letting big things just whiz past. And its not that I couldn't handle those big things or that it negatively affected me in any way, its just that in retrospect maybe it would have been better to just not do certain things in those specific situations.

I feel like I lost myself a little bit in all the rush.

I also feel like all the people who I have done anything at all with have never been people that really knew me. Which is kind of sickening.


That being said, there is still that other category of fields where I am "left behind" and sorely lacking. And those are the bits that will lead to my inevitable embarrassment. God help me.


Crimson and clover, baby. Crimson and clover.