There are no words for tonight. I feel like a loser, but I am pumped full of champagne and chocolate cake so I shouldn't complain. And a new cheetah tattoo on the back of your neck is never a bad way to end the night.
I need to get out of this city.
"Romeo, save me, I've been feeling so alone.
I've been waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think.
He knelt on the ground and pulled out a ring and said
'Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know,
I talked to your dad go pick out a white dress.'
It's a love story baby just say...
yes."
-Taylor Swift
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Damn These Pacts
Chloe and I always come up with these excellent game plans for improving our lives and pledge to each other to take actual steps towards our goal....but I never really follow through. She doesn't that much either. I think the main problem is that I am such a head case and while I am actually in situations that relate to the pact, I can't think clearly enough to embark on the correct course of action.
For instance, one of our recent pacts was to come to terms with the fact that our "everybody hates me" psychosis is not based on reality and then to stop thinking like that. But how exactly do you go about that? I don't know. And further, I am still convinced that most people here in Baltimore aren't exactly wild about me. Maybe I will grudgingly admit that I am on the paranoid side and that they probably don't all hate me. But I still don't think that they like me. Because boring is no fun...boring may not be straight up bad, but "boring is what it is".
And so, no progress there.
Plus these little plans of ours not only fail to positively impact my life, they negatively impact me when I end up feeling bad and anticlimactic for accomplishing nothing and still being in the same position I was to begin with. Accepting that an issue exists may be the first step to addressing it, but if you never succeed in addressing it accepting that it exists is really quite unhelpful and not fun at all.
"Honey, you could just give me jewelry for Valentine's Day. Diamonds maybe."
-My mother to my father (very uncharacteristic)
"Where did that come from?!"
-Me
"That billboard over there gave me the idea."
-My mother
Conspiracy that this led me to uncover: Jarred's (Gallerias of Jewelry or whatever) are always extremely close in proximity to Red Robins. What is that about? This is the case in Seattle, Tacoma and Baltimore. Very sketchy I think. I would say that we have a serious little secret right here and I'm about to blow that shit wide open.
For instance, one of our recent pacts was to come to terms with the fact that our "everybody hates me" psychosis is not based on reality and then to stop thinking like that. But how exactly do you go about that? I don't know. And further, I am still convinced that most people here in Baltimore aren't exactly wild about me. Maybe I will grudgingly admit that I am on the paranoid side and that they probably don't all hate me. But I still don't think that they like me. Because boring is no fun...boring may not be straight up bad, but "boring is what it is".
And so, no progress there.
Plus these little plans of ours not only fail to positively impact my life, they negatively impact me when I end up feeling bad and anticlimactic for accomplishing nothing and still being in the same position I was to begin with. Accepting that an issue exists may be the first step to addressing it, but if you never succeed in addressing it accepting that it exists is really quite unhelpful and not fun at all.
"Honey, you could just give me jewelry for Valentine's Day. Diamonds maybe."
-My mother to my father (very uncharacteristic)
"Where did that come from?!"
-Me
"That billboard over there gave me the idea."
-My mother
Conspiracy that this led me to uncover: Jarred's (Gallerias of Jewelry or whatever) are always extremely close in proximity to Red Robins. What is that about? This is the case in Seattle, Tacoma and Baltimore. Very sketchy I think. I would say that we have a serious little secret right here and I'm about to blow that shit wide open.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Uh oh.
I'm sick again. I have been sick now for the last four weeks. First I had a cold, then Noro, then another cold (light version), and now I have a distinctly different cold. I am hoping that all that doesn't spell HIV or some other auto immune disease.
It's probably just the kids who are making me sick. Between them and everyone I wait on at the restaurant I am exposed to a cocktail of germs every single day.
Today the 4 year-old and I had to make valentine's for everyone in his pre-school class which was a mission. He painted a huge picture which I then had to direct him in cutting into 12 squares to glue on 12 pieces of cardstock and then write his name on each one and also cut out and glue a heart on each one too. It was like pulling teeth and he doesn't really know how to write, and he refuses to glue and he can't cut out hearts so the process took about 2 hours.
I thought waitressing was tiring. I was wrong. In comparison waitressing is like a giant vacation.
But I am getting really strong arms. Especially because the two year old doesn't do stairs.
"I not goober, I Teo."
-Teo
It's probably just the kids who are making me sick. Between them and everyone I wait on at the restaurant I am exposed to a cocktail of germs every single day.
Today the 4 year-old and I had to make valentine's for everyone in his pre-school class which was a mission. He painted a huge picture which I then had to direct him in cutting into 12 squares to glue on 12 pieces of cardstock and then write his name on each one and also cut out and glue a heart on each one too. It was like pulling teeth and he doesn't really know how to write, and he refuses to glue and he can't cut out hearts so the process took about 2 hours.
I thought waitressing was tiring. I was wrong. In comparison waitressing is like a giant vacation.
But I am getting really strong arms. Especially because the two year old doesn't do stairs.
"I not goober, I Teo."
-Teo
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Girl Meets Boy Meets Ex Meets World
I have a theory that you can pinpoint some of guys' biggest flaws by analyzing their past girlfriends and their girlfriends' flaws. Perhaps because of previous training, perhaps because of what they are drawn to. I don't know if this theory applies to girls because I am way too impartial for analysis of any girl I know well enough to apply it to. If that makes sense.
Case #1: Jess* is a guy who is shiny-perfect on the outside. Not that he is a mess on the inside...he's just flawed like everyone else. His most prominent ex is a flagrant bitch. She's hottt (yes, with three t's) but she's also the mean-girl type who will screw over anyone to get her guy--or more importantly, to get what she wants out of a guy--and who is horribly over-sexed to the point of whorish. She cheats on her boyfriends, fakes sweetness, sucks up to the relatives of any of her targets and considers all other girls to be competition.
So what does this tell us about Jess? Obviously he was willing to overlook serious personality issues in return for beauty and...sex? I don't know what else. Definitely not brains. He liked a straight-up ho so he will expect a freak in the sheets complete with waxing and all that. He didn't mind that she had no sense of girl-loyalty so he too will lack adherence to the bros over ho's mantra. She cheated and he knew about it and stayed with her so he will likely have a roving eye to balance her out. At the same time he deep down will expect betrayal and will respond with extreme possessiveness. Will consider outside appearances to be extremely important. Check, check, check, check. I should have taken one look at his ex and turned him down initially.
Case # 2:
Luke dated a seriously messed up Hot Topic high school princess. In terms of looks she wasn't of the "Not My Goodies" school of thought...more like, "Welcome to the Candy Shop". A fan of the make-up, but also witty, deep and wise, which goes a long way in canceling out any superficialness minus points. Also quirky and fun, which is another gold star. But a cheater in the end.
There is a lot of info there, but the main flaws (according to me) are...
-Hot Topic
-A slight bent towards hoochiness
-Head case
-Cheater
My theory would lead us to expect that Luke is not necessarily uber suave in terms of dress or taste (whatever that elusive term means). Not that he can't step it up on occasion, just that he will not pop the collar on a daily basis while dining at Wild Ginger. Secretly likes drama. Also secretly likes the idea of taking care of the weaker sex like a real man should...including straightening out any mental issues. Which means, possibly controlling at times. Combined with attraction to hoochiness+dating a girl that eventually cheated=probably extremely possessive.
And again, Luke does seem to meet all of these expected criteria.
Case #3:
Dean's ex was a complete crybaby. She didn't fit in with most other girls. Not because they didn't give her a chance, but because she didn't take it. She whined like a motherfucking tea kettle and was seriously emo. Unwilling to work hard and not the sharpest tool in the shed either. Moderately nice looking.
Dean, then, we would expect to have a high tolerance for babyishness and dullness. Which means that he is probably not the most mature, and is likely lacking in mental capacity. Ability to take constant whining=desperate....not enough experience or high enough standards. The fact that his ex was lazy like the crypt and he didn't mind enough for it to be a deal breaker probably means that he is not necessarily motivated or going places.
Yup, that's Dean to a T.
Case #4:
Logan went for a beauty queen three years younger than himself. And I do mean ACTUAL beauty queen. She was against all odds, sharp as shit and very motivated. Certainly first lady material. First lady as in Jackie O or Hilary (read: has a life/style/career of her own to distinguish herself from her husband and take her beyond her first lady role). But she was also a sorority girl. Dressed like a flight attendant and had a super bourgeois air.
Thus, Logan should be a frat boy at heart. The motivated type, yes. But the type that wants a trophy wife that can serve as an actual First Lady if need be. Attracted to flight attendant outfits=he envisions himself as a Ken to her Barbie. Way too cocky, and a little superficial. Cradle robbing=probably controlling. Handpicked a girlfriend where the relationship playing field will never be level (in the near future) because of the age difference...this means not only controlling, but insecure about his ability to control things when the scale is not rigged in his favor. Insecurities in ridiculously cocky boys are dangerous things.
My analysis is sort of bullshit, but I like doing critical bios of other people so it isn't really a loss. The point is mainly that I think my theory is ace, and I will use it to screen boys from now on.
Not like I have a lot of screening to do at the moment.... but you know I could use my new expertise to help the five aforementioned Disney sex goddesses.
*Let us use Gilmore Girls' guy characters as code names.
Case #1: Jess* is a guy who is shiny-perfect on the outside. Not that he is a mess on the inside...he's just flawed like everyone else. His most prominent ex is a flagrant bitch. She's hottt (yes, with three t's) but she's also the mean-girl type who will screw over anyone to get her guy--or more importantly, to get what she wants out of a guy--and who is horribly over-sexed to the point of whorish. She cheats on her boyfriends, fakes sweetness, sucks up to the relatives of any of her targets and considers all other girls to be competition.
So what does this tell us about Jess? Obviously he was willing to overlook serious personality issues in return for beauty and...sex? I don't know what else. Definitely not brains. He liked a straight-up ho so he will expect a freak in the sheets complete with waxing and all that. He didn't mind that she had no sense of girl-loyalty so he too will lack adherence to the bros over ho's mantra. She cheated and he knew about it and stayed with her so he will likely have a roving eye to balance her out. At the same time he deep down will expect betrayal and will respond with extreme possessiveness. Will consider outside appearances to be extremely important. Check, check, check, check. I should have taken one look at his ex and turned him down initially.
Case # 2:
Luke dated a seriously messed up Hot Topic high school princess. In terms of looks she wasn't of the "Not My Goodies" school of thought...more like, "Welcome to the Candy Shop". A fan of the make-up, but also witty, deep and wise, which goes a long way in canceling out any superficialness minus points. Also quirky and fun, which is another gold star. But a cheater in the end.
There is a lot of info there, but the main flaws (according to me) are...
-Hot Topic
-A slight bent towards hoochiness
-Head case
-Cheater
My theory would lead us to expect that Luke is not necessarily uber suave in terms of dress or taste (whatever that elusive term means). Not that he can't step it up on occasion, just that he will not pop the collar on a daily basis while dining at Wild Ginger. Secretly likes drama. Also secretly likes the idea of taking care of the weaker sex like a real man should...including straightening out any mental issues. Which means, possibly controlling at times. Combined with attraction to hoochiness+dating a girl that eventually cheated=probably extremely possessive.
And again, Luke does seem to meet all of these expected criteria.
Case #3:
Dean's ex was a complete crybaby. She didn't fit in with most other girls. Not because they didn't give her a chance, but because she didn't take it. She whined like a motherfucking tea kettle and was seriously emo. Unwilling to work hard and not the sharpest tool in the shed either. Moderately nice looking.
Dean, then, we would expect to have a high tolerance for babyishness and dullness. Which means that he is probably not the most mature, and is likely lacking in mental capacity. Ability to take constant whining=desperate....not enough experience or high enough standards. The fact that his ex was lazy like the crypt and he didn't mind enough for it to be a deal breaker probably means that he is not necessarily motivated or going places.
Yup, that's Dean to a T.
Case #4:
Logan went for a beauty queen three years younger than himself. And I do mean ACTUAL beauty queen. She was against all odds, sharp as shit and very motivated. Certainly first lady material. First lady as in Jackie O or Hilary (read: has a life/style/career of her own to distinguish herself from her husband and take her beyond her first lady role). But she was also a sorority girl. Dressed like a flight attendant and had a super bourgeois air.
Thus, Logan should be a frat boy at heart. The motivated type, yes. But the type that wants a trophy wife that can serve as an actual First Lady if need be. Attracted to flight attendant outfits=he envisions himself as a Ken to her Barbie. Way too cocky, and a little superficial. Cradle robbing=probably controlling. Handpicked a girlfriend where the relationship playing field will never be level (in the near future) because of the age difference...this means not only controlling, but insecure about his ability to control things when the scale is not rigged in his favor. Insecurities in ridiculously cocky boys are dangerous things.
My analysis is sort of bullshit, but I like doing critical bios of other people so it isn't really a loss. The point is mainly that I think my theory is ace, and I will use it to screen boys from now on.
Not like I have a lot of screening to do at the moment.... but you know I could use my new expertise to help the five aforementioned Disney sex goddesses.
*Let us use Gilmore Girls' guy characters as code names.
Crimson and Clover, Over and Over
Olive and I always felt like Jimmy Eat World wrote songs specifically for us. It seems like that even more so now that she's gone.
But I also think that there is not a single person in the world who can listen to some of their songs and not feel like the lyrics articulate exactly both their insecurities and desires.
"I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor I'm good to go,
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know,
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine,
I wanna fall in love tonight."
-A Praise Chorus
But I also think that there is not a single person in the world who can listen to some of their songs and not feel like the lyrics articulate exactly both their insecurities and desires.
"I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor I'm good to go,
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know,
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine,
I wanna fall in love tonight."
-A Praise Chorus
Monday, February 9, 2009
If I wasn't so uptight I could...
Get it on with one of the line cooks,
Get high at work,
Tell Lynn that she is not actually the shit (to the extent that she seems to believe),
Drink half the waiters at work under the table,
Take the boys to a museum tomorrow like I want to,
Get bangs,
Cut my hair shoulder-length,
Wear heels all the time,
Be a bitch to my annoying tables,
Tell people exactly what I want,
Be not boring.
But there is always something to be said for being repressed and angsty, right?
Wow. I want to know if that Olivia character on The City is for real. Do they script that shit or is there really such an extreme bitch loose in New York? Totally killed my buzz. Good thing Daddy's Girls is on now to make me zen again.
Get high at work,
Tell Lynn that she is not actually the shit (to the extent that she seems to believe),
Drink half the waiters at work under the table,
Take the boys to a museum tomorrow like I want to,
Get bangs,
Cut my hair shoulder-length,
Wear heels all the time,
Be a bitch to my annoying tables,
Tell people exactly what I want,
Be not boring.
But there is always something to be said for being repressed and angsty, right?
Wow. I want to know if that Olivia character on The City is for real. Do they script that shit or is there really such an extreme bitch loose in New York? Totally killed my buzz. Good thing Daddy's Girls is on now to make me zen again.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Karma is a bitch...always tip above 15%.
The restaurant was a complete shitshow. First of all, a number of mice died under the fridge in the servers' station only to be found and sort of scraped up this afternoon. So we were choking on the smell of decay all night long. The stench still won't leave my nose. Second, Max was supposed to bring in a movie to give to me, but PC picked up his shift so I was movie-less and very disappointed. Then to cap it all off I forgot to watch the water in the mop bucket while it filled and then it overflowed onto the just-mopped kitchen. All the cooks were gone so I had to clean it up all on my own....well, with the help of the flaming head waiter who is actually a really good guy under all his gay sexual innuendo.
Not to mention that people were tipping lower than ever. I beat my previous record for worst dinner tip when my last table tipped $5 on $62. Are you kidding me? That's less than ten percent. You should be making some kind of statement about the service if you tip that low. But no, they already told me that they loved the food and they acted like they were happy with me too. So basically they were total d-bags. I get paid three dollars an hour and when it is approaching midnight and you are the only customers left and I am still working solely because of you, you should at least make sure that I am making more than $8/hr. Assholes. Usually I can expect over $12 then...usually more like $20, so getting $5 is almost like getting nothing at all.
Now...beauty sleep. Because I have to be back at the restaurant bright and early for a double. Sometimes life is just so good.
Not to mention that people were tipping lower than ever. I beat my previous record for worst dinner tip when my last table tipped $5 on $62. Are you kidding me? That's less than ten percent. You should be making some kind of statement about the service if you tip that low. But no, they already told me that they loved the food and they acted like they were happy with me too. So basically they were total d-bags. I get paid three dollars an hour and when it is approaching midnight and you are the only customers left and I am still working solely because of you, you should at least make sure that I am making more than $8/hr. Assholes. Usually I can expect over $12 then...usually more like $20, so getting $5 is almost like getting nothing at all.
Now...beauty sleep. Because I have to be back at the restaurant bright and early for a double. Sometimes life is just so good.
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