Relax Blondie-style

Chloe just gave me an impromptu head/neck/face massage and suddenly everything is right in my world. It's amazing how small you feel when someone touches the top of your head. But it can be in a good way. Sometimes I need to feel like I am very little and that if things don't work out the way I want them to, it's too bad and all, but it's not my fault and so I shouldn't worry too much about things that are beyond my control in life. Mmmm, zen.

B-hawk gave me his candle tonight that smells like boy. I feel weird burning it in my very girl room, but I think I will anyway because it's yuuuuummy. Fuck anyone who thinks I am silly. I will tell them that we traded room smells for awhile....after all, he took my Walk on the Beach candle in exchange.


For the first time this past Tuesday one of those surprising reaction-type thougts popped into my head during class. This one girl was speaking very partonizingly and without even consciously formulating anything I thought very forcefully "I hate you so much." And I was serious. I am the type of person that overuses the word hate quite copiously, but I have only been serious about hating someone once in my whole life, I am pretty sure. Apparently this girl in my class just triggers a gut reaction in me that is made up of some of the most potent dislike that I have ever felt.






"Oohhh child, things are gonna get easier. Oohh child, things'll get brighter. Oohh child, things are gonna get easier. Oohh, when the world is much lighter."
-The Five Stairsteps
(might not be exactly the right lyrics, but that's what I've always heard when I listen to that song.)

FYI

Lobsters pair up for life.



Heart.

Justice Murphy bought illegal drugs twice a day.

I think I have a fever. Tuesdays do that to me....that and the fact that I went running with Chloe (and frisbee playing) when I still am too sick to even get oxygen through my nose. The worst part is that I can't hear shit because I'm so plugged up. It's the most awkward feeling in the world to have to ask people to repeat themselves again and again because you can't tell what they're saying. I sometimes just prefer to smile and nod and pretend that I heard....except the last time I did that I ended up enthusiastically agreeing with a Republican on some topic. I don't remember if I ever even found out what the topic of our conversation was, I just knew that everyone freaked the fuck out at me. Whoopsies, y'all caught me. Closet conservative here.


I wore my Nate Robinson underwear today. Pretty much amazing.








"Ever since the Harriet Miers debacle where even her own party turned on her and forced her to withdraw her nomination, her name has become new slang. You got 'Miered.' Kind of like the last scene in Reservoir Dogs."
-George Lovell, my Supreme Court/Con Law Prof

Emo like Clove Cigarettes.

I'm having a hard time recently and I don't know why. Little by little I am actually falling completely apart. I haven't even contacted my thesis advisor in weeks. I haven't declared for graduation and the deadline is this Friday. I don't know where I will live in South Africa next year or what exactly I will be doing. I don't study hardly at all. But I don't really party a lot or have that much fun.

This is not me. I have never in my life been so not on top of things. I've always been lacking in punctuality, etc., but never in responsibility and drive.

The biggest thing that worries me is that I'm getting sad. Only for a few nights now, and not ever during the day, but it scares me. I don't want to have to deal with now what I completely bypassed last year. I'm a bounce-back kind of girl, right? So why do I suddenly feel all alone? Did I just have more people to surround myself with last year, and now they've gone away? It's not just Olive, though. I am all of a sudden missing my family too. Easter was odd, being in my Grandmother's house with only Chloe, when I'm used to being completely surrounded by relatives there. I miss that. Whatever happened to holidays? And, while I'm at it, I miss my childhood. It just slipped away while I was writing essay after essay.

This weekend my grandmother accidentally mentioned something about my mom having depression for awhile in high school. I know that is not that big of a deal, and it doesn't mean anything now, but it shocked me because I had never heard anything about it before from my mom. I guess it isn't the sort of thing that comes up randomly like "Oh, btw kids, when I was a senior, I was depressed." But still...you would think that at some point during the 19 years we have spent together, my mom would've mentioned something about it. Like last May after Olive died, or during last summer when I was all alone in Baltimore. It feels awkward to me that my mother intentionally kept something like that from me. If it never came up, she obviously didn't want me to know, and why would she not? I don't think that I'm prying into her private life by wanting to know. I feel like kids have a right to know about their parents lives.

Why do I feel like crying?




PS- Nobody should ever date me. I have a lot of baggage, and I am a little girl. Plus I get hurt a lot, so you would have to deal with a lot of band-aids and neosporin. It's probably not worth it. I also blush too easily. It gets ridiculous.

E to the WA

Phoebe and Chloe travel over the mountains and through the woods to Grandma's house for Easter. The cat was declawed so nobody was maimed, although it still tried to scratch up a storm and looked confused when it didn't succeed in drawing blood. Mwahahaha. That cat is like a no-neck hyena packed with fat. I think it is so angry because it's skin is so taut over its incredible girth.

Phoebe: "People whatever. Yeah."
Chloe: "Diamonds are forever."

Chloe: "I speak for the masses."

Guy at Church: "That's so nice that you girls came to church today. Hopefully you can learn something about the Lord."
...I think this is mildly offensive whether you are religious or not. Both of us thought it was super awkward.

Phoebe: "I don't like how this sound songs."

Sign: "This park is for the enjoyment of Miner's customers only."

"When I get bored I should just sit and imagine fully what it is like to be Queen. [laughter] You don't understand. I don't mean like ordering people around, I mean like the interiors. Like furniture, and my tapestry and my bed hangings, and my various commisions." -Chloe

"I really would have liked to see a bit more from Mitzy, in the way of actually playing more with that ball."
-America's Cutest Puppies (tv show ranking puppies)


Chloe: "I am going to gain so much weight this weekend."
PHoebe: "No! We are NOT going to eat very much this weekend." [unwrapping plate-sized burger]





On the way to E-Wa we saw a car swerving a bit and then recklessly passing other cars at high-speeds and narrowly missing them. Yes? Soon they sped out of sight, before we could call 911 on their ass....es. Um. Bout 5 minutes later Phoebe and Chloe catch up and are blinded by white smoke in the street. Glance to the right. The car is the diatch, biatch (get it, like ditch, bitch?). The headlights illuminating the road. A reminder to all those that think they can get away with drinking and driving. This means you. Phoebe and Chloe are lucky to have escaped with their lives. Nod. Nod. The End.

by Chloe

"So though we cannot know..."

I made it through today. And for that I heartily congratulate myself. Who shackled me with 8-hour days on Tuesday? Because that person must have either been exceedingly mean or extremely high. I'm allowing myself to go to bed, because I wouldn't even be able to handle anything else right now except trashy tv, which doesn't make me happy anyway...unless it's the season finale of the Hills which I missed last night.

I feel not cute. That's okay. At least I'm not a baby in a third world country dying of a diarrheal disease, right Olive?










"Do you want to know
If everything glittering
Will turn into the gold
I see in your hair
I feel it could be there
Somehow, tonight

And do you want to find
Something worth saving
The change would do me right
Cause I've been just waiting
And hesitating
With this heart of mine

You're still a mystery
But there's something so easy
In how you're sweet to me
I feel completed
Like it's something I needed
For this heart of mine

There's always something so tragic
About a hopeless romantic

So though we cannot know
If everything glittering
Will turn into the gold
I'm through with waiting
And hesitating
I want you taking
This heart of mine
Heart of mine
Heart of mine"
-Heart of Mine, Peter Salett (Keeping the Faith Soundtrack)
Sung at memorial service....T-one month from yesterday

Not doin' it.

Mmmm. Peppermint schnapps.

On the one hand, I create drama out of everything. On the other hand, this much conflict in my head is probably not a positive start to anything. On the other hand I am reminding myself of Samantha before she and the jewish one started dating. On the other hand, that isn't working out so great either. Still, I don't even know what I want, which might mean that I shouldn't do anything at all. But...I definitely know what I DON'T want, so it would be nice to be rid of all that.

One day I will be in a mental asylum and we will discuss my hyper-analytical nature that drove me over the edge of sanity, and they will all sigh and say, "What a waste, that girl had so much potential. Pity nobody could save her from herself." Nope. I won't let anyone stop me from engaging in my own destructive head games.





"Fuck Sudan, it's all about Bryce."
-at the Suprise party for Bryce that coincidentally happened the same night as the Save Darfur club's fundraising party.