I have a theory that you can pinpoint some of guys' biggest flaws by analyzing their past girlfriends and their girlfriends' flaws. Perhaps because of previous training, perhaps because of what they are drawn to. I don't know if this theory applies to girls because I am way too impartial for analysis of any girl I know well enough to apply it to. If that makes sense.
Case #1: Jess* is a guy who is shiny-perfect on the outside. Not that he is a mess on the inside...he's just flawed like everyone else. His most prominent ex is a flagrant bitch. She's hottt (yes, with three t's) but she's also the mean-girl type who will screw over anyone to get her guy--or more importantly, to get what she wants out of a guy--and who is horribly over-sexed to the point of whorish. She cheats on her boyfriends, fakes sweetness, sucks up to the relatives of any of her targets and considers all other girls to be competition.
So what does this tell us about Jess? Obviously he was willing to overlook serious personality issues in return for beauty and...sex? I don't know what else. Definitely not brains. He liked a straight-up ho so he will expect a freak in the sheets complete with waxing and all that. He didn't mind that she had no sense of girl-loyalty so he too will lack adherence to the bros over ho's mantra. She cheated and he knew about it and stayed with her so he will likely have a roving eye to balance her out. At the same time he deep down will expect betrayal and will respond with extreme possessiveness. Will consider outside appearances to be extremely important. Check, check, check, check. I should have taken one look at his ex and turned him down initially.
Case # 2:
Luke dated a seriously messed up Hot Topic high school princess. In terms of looks she wasn't of the "Not My Goodies" school of thought...more like, "Welcome to the Candy Shop". A fan of the make-up, but also witty, deep and wise, which goes a long way in canceling out any superficialness minus points. Also quirky and fun, which is another gold star. But a cheater in the end.
There is a lot of info there, but the main flaws (according to me) are...
-Hot Topic
-A slight bent towards hoochiness
-Head case
-Cheater
My theory would lead us to expect that Luke is not necessarily uber suave in terms of dress or taste (whatever that elusive term means). Not that he can't step it up on occasion, just that he will not pop the collar on a daily basis while dining at Wild Ginger. Secretly likes drama. Also secretly likes the idea of taking care of the weaker sex like a real man should...including straightening out any mental issues. Which means, possibly controlling at times. Combined with attraction to hoochiness+dating a girl that eventually cheated=probably extremely possessive.
And again, Luke does seem to meet all of these expected criteria.
Case #3:
Dean's ex was a complete crybaby. She didn't fit in with most other girls. Not because they didn't give her a chance, but because she didn't take it. She whined like a motherfucking tea kettle and was seriously emo. Unwilling to work hard and not the sharpest tool in the shed either. Moderately nice looking.
Dean, then, we would expect to have a high tolerance for babyishness and dullness. Which means that he is probably not the most mature, and is likely lacking in mental capacity. Ability to take constant whining=desperate....not enough experience or high enough standards. The fact that his ex was lazy like the crypt and he didn't mind enough for it to be a deal breaker probably means that he is not necessarily motivated or going places.
Yup, that's Dean to a T.
Case #4:
Logan went for a beauty queen three years younger than himself. And I do mean ACTUAL beauty queen. She was against all odds, sharp as shit and very motivated. Certainly first lady material. First lady as in Jackie O or Hilary (read: has a life/style/career of her own to distinguish herself from her husband and take her beyond her first lady role). But she was also a sorority girl. Dressed like a flight attendant and had a super bourgeois air.
Thus, Logan should be a frat boy at heart. The motivated type, yes. But the type that wants a trophy wife that can serve as an actual First Lady if need be. Attracted to flight attendant outfits=he envisions himself as a Ken to her Barbie. Way too cocky, and a little superficial. Cradle robbing=probably controlling. Handpicked a girlfriend where the relationship playing field will never be level (in the near future) because of the age difference...this means not only controlling, but insecure about his ability to control things when the scale is not rigged in his favor. Insecurities in ridiculously cocky boys are dangerous things.
My analysis is sort of bullshit, but I like doing critical bios of other people so it isn't really a loss. The point is mainly that I think my theory is ace, and I will use it to screen boys from now on.
Not like I have a lot of screening to do at the moment.... but you know I could use my new expertise to help the five aforementioned Disney sex goddesses.
*Let us use Gilmore Girls' guy characters as code names.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Crimson and Clover, Over and Over
Olive and I always felt like Jimmy Eat World wrote songs specifically for us. It seems like that even more so now that she's gone.
But I also think that there is not a single person in the world who can listen to some of their songs and not feel like the lyrics articulate exactly both their insecurities and desires.
"I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor I'm good to go,
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know,
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine,
I wanna fall in love tonight."
-A Praise Chorus
But I also think that there is not a single person in the world who can listen to some of their songs and not feel like the lyrics articulate exactly both their insecurities and desires.
"I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor I'm good to go,
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know,
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine,
I wanna fall in love tonight."
-A Praise Chorus
Monday, February 9, 2009
If I wasn't so uptight I could...
Get it on with one of the line cooks,
Get high at work,
Tell Lynn that she is not actually the shit (to the extent that she seems to believe),
Drink half the waiters at work under the table,
Take the boys to a museum tomorrow like I want to,
Get bangs,
Cut my hair shoulder-length,
Wear heels all the time,
Be a bitch to my annoying tables,
Tell people exactly what I want,
Be not boring.
But there is always something to be said for being repressed and angsty, right?
Wow. I want to know if that Olivia character on The City is for real. Do they script that shit or is there really such an extreme bitch loose in New York? Totally killed my buzz. Good thing Daddy's Girls is on now to make me zen again.
Get high at work,
Tell Lynn that she is not actually the shit (to the extent that she seems to believe),
Drink half the waiters at work under the table,
Take the boys to a museum tomorrow like I want to,
Get bangs,
Cut my hair shoulder-length,
Wear heels all the time,
Be a bitch to my annoying tables,
Tell people exactly what I want,
Be not boring.
But there is always something to be said for being repressed and angsty, right?
Wow. I want to know if that Olivia character on The City is for real. Do they script that shit or is there really such an extreme bitch loose in New York? Totally killed my buzz. Good thing Daddy's Girls is on now to make me zen again.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Karma is a bitch...always tip above 15%.
The restaurant was a complete shitshow. First of all, a number of mice died under the fridge in the servers' station only to be found and sort of scraped up this afternoon. So we were choking on the smell of decay all night long. The stench still won't leave my nose. Second, Max was supposed to bring in a movie to give to me, but PC picked up his shift so I was movie-less and very disappointed. Then to cap it all off I forgot to watch the water in the mop bucket while it filled and then it overflowed onto the just-mopped kitchen. All the cooks were gone so I had to clean it up all on my own....well, with the help of the flaming head waiter who is actually a really good guy under all his gay sexual innuendo.
Not to mention that people were tipping lower than ever. I beat my previous record for worst dinner tip when my last table tipped $5 on $62. Are you kidding me? That's less than ten percent. You should be making some kind of statement about the service if you tip that low. But no, they already told me that they loved the food and they acted like they were happy with me too. So basically they were total d-bags. I get paid three dollars an hour and when it is approaching midnight and you are the only customers left and I am still working solely because of you, you should at least make sure that I am making more than $8/hr. Assholes. Usually I can expect over $12 then...usually more like $20, so getting $5 is almost like getting nothing at all.
Now...beauty sleep. Because I have to be back at the restaurant bright and early for a double. Sometimes life is just so good.
Not to mention that people were tipping lower than ever. I beat my previous record for worst dinner tip when my last table tipped $5 on $62. Are you kidding me? That's less than ten percent. You should be making some kind of statement about the service if you tip that low. But no, they already told me that they loved the food and they acted like they were happy with me too. So basically they were total d-bags. I get paid three dollars an hour and when it is approaching midnight and you are the only customers left and I am still working solely because of you, you should at least make sure that I am making more than $8/hr. Assholes. Usually I can expect over $12 then...usually more like $20, so getting $5 is almost like getting nothing at all.
Now...beauty sleep. Because I have to be back at the restaurant bright and early for a double. Sometimes life is just so good.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Conundrums
1) I haven't been able to sleep lately. What's up with that? I love sleep. I relish falling asleep at night usually because I love the pre-sleep reading/music-listening/daydreaming routine. But I have been doing this thing where I have to refluff my pillows and switch them out and replace my head on the pillow repeatedly to the point where I become a ball of stress and not sleepy at all. Very OCD. I should probably have someone check me out.
2) Speaking of being checked out, two people at work today told me I was too skinny. But my sister and the bathroom scale have been insinuating that I am gaining weight in a not-so-good way. Who do I listen to??? I actually will not really listen to any of them...they all cancel each other out so I will consider the issue dunzo and do nothing. But it goes to show that you can't please everyone.
3) I think I have pinpointed my main issue with guys. I have never consciously looked for certain characteristics in guys as any sort of litmus test. But I have determined that subconsciously I am drawn to guys who make me laugh....above any other quality. Therein lies the problem. Generally the people that can make me laugh the most are the people that can catch me off guard and tease me....which also requires a certain lack of sensitivity. People who care too much about preserving the feelings of others are just not as funny. And so this leads me to boys that entertain me greatly, but at best have the said lack of sensitivity and at worst don't give a shit about my feelings at all.
Still, I will have to find a ways to reconcile the need for hilarity and the need for regard for my feelings. Because those are both necessary guy qualities. My father thinks that the former is not as necessary...hence his failure to understand why I am unwilling to consider a certain guy that I work with, PC, as boyfriend material. This is a boy that I like as a friend, he spent two years in Lesotho in the peace corps and he is intelligent and fun to talk to and he walks me home from work since he lives near me...all of these admirable qualities. BUT, he doesn't make me laugh that much, and he especially doesn't make me laugh at myself. Pshaw. The silly thing is that my father should understand this instead of thinking I am being a ditsy little girl because he is the one always cracking jokes in our family and making fun of me and "modeling" what I should be looking for in a guy. Hmmm, that last sentence bordered on Freudian thinking which I don't really support, but you get the point.
4) I love the feeling of irritated gums, but I am scared of gum recession. Specifically, I enjoy flossing overly aggressively to make my gums tingly, but I know that brushing and flossing too hard can spur gum recession. What do I do?
5) I am so dumb. But embarrassing myself is so much more interesting than keeping my mouth shut. Should I at least attempt to restrain myself from being so annoying and ridiculous?
During a game of hangman:
"I think that the word must be Magazine."
-Me
"But we already used up the S."
-Boy at work
2) Speaking of being checked out, two people at work today told me I was too skinny. But my sister and the bathroom scale have been insinuating that I am gaining weight in a not-so-good way. Who do I listen to??? I actually will not really listen to any of them...they all cancel each other out so I will consider the issue dunzo and do nothing. But it goes to show that you can't please everyone.
3) I think I have pinpointed my main issue with guys. I have never consciously looked for certain characteristics in guys as any sort of litmus test. But I have determined that subconsciously I am drawn to guys who make me laugh....above any other quality. Therein lies the problem. Generally the people that can make me laugh the most are the people that can catch me off guard and tease me....which also requires a certain lack of sensitivity. People who care too much about preserving the feelings of others are just not as funny. And so this leads me to boys that entertain me greatly, but at best have the said lack of sensitivity and at worst don't give a shit about my feelings at all.
Still, I will have to find a ways to reconcile the need for hilarity and the need for regard for my feelings. Because those are both necessary guy qualities. My father thinks that the former is not as necessary...hence his failure to understand why I am unwilling to consider a certain guy that I work with, PC, as boyfriend material. This is a boy that I like as a friend, he spent two years in Lesotho in the peace corps and he is intelligent and fun to talk to and he walks me home from work since he lives near me...all of these admirable qualities. BUT, he doesn't make me laugh that much, and he especially doesn't make me laugh at myself. Pshaw. The silly thing is that my father should understand this instead of thinking I am being a ditsy little girl because he is the one always cracking jokes in our family and making fun of me and "modeling" what I should be looking for in a guy. Hmmm, that last sentence bordered on Freudian thinking which I don't really support, but you get the point.
4) I love the feeling of irritated gums, but I am scared of gum recession. Specifically, I enjoy flossing overly aggressively to make my gums tingly, but I know that brushing and flossing too hard can spur gum recession. What do I do?
5) I am so dumb. But embarrassing myself is so much more interesting than keeping my mouth shut. Should I at least attempt to restrain myself from being so annoying and ridiculous?
During a game of hangman:
"I think that the word must be Magazine."
-Me
"But we already used up the S."
-Boy at work
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
An Open Letter to Bank Tellers:
Don't look at me with your snide judgment when I come in to make a deposit. I should be the one making you feel bad instead of the other way around because I sure as hell would make a deposit using an ATM in the freezing snow if it would allow me to avoid contact with snooty, boring, shoulder-padded jackasses such as yourself. Basically everybody who utilizes banks would rather converse with a machine instead of a teller. Soon, you will be obsolete.
And just because I make huge deposits of cash in small bills it does not give you the right to look at me strangely or wonder what I do for a living. The only reason I let money pile up like that in the box on my dresser is because I HATE going to the bank because of YOU. And being a waitress is hardly worse than being a bank teller. Waitressing is often temporary (as in my case) and even when it isn't it usually pays higher than your hourly salary. But I am sure you are just too bourgeois to involve yourself in a job where you are paid in cash. Besides, people like you could NEVER survive in positions where you actually have to be warm and friendly to customers in order to get paid. No, you opt for the cold frigid bitch approach. Well fine. The dry crusty look coordinates well with your expensive but somehow still dry and crusty clothes.
And one day when I am running around fighting the man as some sort of attorney I will receive my paycheck through direct deposit and I will never have to even look at you again. Then again, by that time even waiters will be able to use direct deposit, automated deposit machines, etc. and you will be out of a job.
Damn. I guess if I did any sort of public law work for the unemployment office like Sandra Bullock does in Two Weeks Notice I would actually have to interact with you again. Whoops, well then I will have to go corporate and do pro bono. That's right I would change my career path to avoid contact with your sorry asinine selves.
Sincerely,
The Girl With a Thousand in Cash
And just because I make huge deposits of cash in small bills it does not give you the right to look at me strangely or wonder what I do for a living. The only reason I let money pile up like that in the box on my dresser is because I HATE going to the bank because of YOU. And being a waitress is hardly worse than being a bank teller. Waitressing is often temporary (as in my case) and even when it isn't it usually pays higher than your hourly salary. But I am sure you are just too bourgeois to involve yourself in a job where you are paid in cash. Besides, people like you could NEVER survive in positions where you actually have to be warm and friendly to customers in order to get paid. No, you opt for the cold frigid bitch approach. Well fine. The dry crusty look coordinates well with your expensive but somehow still dry and crusty clothes.
And one day when I am running around fighting the man as some sort of attorney I will receive my paycheck through direct deposit and I will never have to even look at you again. Then again, by that time even waiters will be able to use direct deposit, automated deposit machines, etc. and you will be out of a job.
Damn. I guess if I did any sort of public law work for the unemployment office like Sandra Bullock does in Two Weeks Notice I would actually have to interact with you again. Whoops, well then I will have to go corporate and do pro bono. That's right I would change my career path to avoid contact with your sorry asinine selves.
Sincerely,
The Girl With a Thousand in Cash
Watch as I become mi madre.....
My hands are so dry that they are cracking and bleeding. It's like something out of a bad horror movie on the plague. Luckily I found a hand lotion (sweet pea) that is the scent-equivalent of Herbal Essences. Magnifico.
I had a friend that always used to tell me that the smell of my hair reminded him too much of an ex of his. I wonder if we have reached the point yet where Herbal Essences reminds him of me instead of her.....or at least when he accidentally catches a whiff of my hair he is not repulsed. I don't think he and I will always be good friends. I would like to, but so much of the time we were friends I think he felt like he had to be the adult, the designated driver, and generally the caretaker of the rest of us. It seems like he almost resents it now. Of course we never asked or expected him to fill that role, we were relentless in nagging him to drink with us, it was just in his nature to be overly protective and overly generous and everything good and adult like that. I remember once when we stayed at J-Mu's cabin he even dragged B-hawk across the room by his neck when he tried to crawl in bed with Samantha and I. And B-hawk screamed like the girl in the first Jurassic Park. Boo, hiss...I hate growing apart.
In any case, this nannying job has convinced me that I don't think I want to have kids of my own anymore. Not that I planned to have them for at least fifteen years. They're just too tiring. I can't imagine coming home after a day of work only to be faced with four hours of warring with children. They become your entire life. I already feel like Till and Te are my entire life and they're not even my children! BUT. That being said, nannying also has me convinced that I should have kids. I am impossibly good with them. I am stricter than their parents by far, but kids need boundaries to function correctly and they are becoming better behaved already. Aaaand, we are still having quite a lot of fun. Well...they are having fun. And I am beginning to. Today we went to the park and we played soccer. Tomorrow we are going to Nursery Rhyme Time at the library. And since its the last day of our week, I am actually going to let them watch a Madeline/Veggie Tales movie.
I had a friend that always used to tell me that the smell of my hair reminded him too much of an ex of his. I wonder if we have reached the point yet where Herbal Essences reminds him of me instead of her.....or at least when he accidentally catches a whiff of my hair he is not repulsed. I don't think he and I will always be good friends. I would like to, but so much of the time we were friends I think he felt like he had to be the adult, the designated driver, and generally the caretaker of the rest of us. It seems like he almost resents it now. Of course we never asked or expected him to fill that role, we were relentless in nagging him to drink with us, it was just in his nature to be overly protective and overly generous and everything good and adult like that. I remember once when we stayed at J-Mu's cabin he even dragged B-hawk across the room by his neck when he tried to crawl in bed with Samantha and I. And B-hawk screamed like the girl in the first Jurassic Park. Boo, hiss...I hate growing apart.
In any case, this nannying job has convinced me that I don't think I want to have kids of my own anymore. Not that I planned to have them for at least fifteen years. They're just too tiring. I can't imagine coming home after a day of work only to be faced with four hours of warring with children. They become your entire life. I already feel like Till and Te are my entire life and they're not even my children! BUT. That being said, nannying also has me convinced that I should have kids. I am impossibly good with them. I am stricter than their parents by far, but kids need boundaries to function correctly and they are becoming better behaved already. Aaaand, we are still having quite a lot of fun. Well...they are having fun. And I am beginning to. Today we went to the park and we played soccer. Tomorrow we are going to Nursery Rhyme Time at the library. And since its the last day of our week, I am actually going to let them watch a Madeline/Veggie Tales movie.
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